Post Date December, 03 2023
Case:
"My husband and I have been married for over a year, which has made it difficult for me to sustain myself. My husband has no sense of family responsibility, loves to play, is lazy, and does not actively assume family obligations.". This family is entirely my burden. Since the child was three months old, I have been living with the child at my parents' house, and my parents have also helped with the child, regardless of whether my parents-in-law ask.
When I first got married, my husband was very addicted to online games, playing them until two or three o'clock in the morning every day. Later, we also quarrelled over this matter. The most serious one was when I gave birth to a child and had a baby, because he played games. Regardless of the child, we quarreled very much, and he even shook hands with me. It was really sad. After that, he also regretted it very much and slowly changed it. He stopped playing now. He also opened a small vegetable store and did fairly well. I have a stable job, not much money but very stable. "Since he opened the store, he hasn't let me go to work. I'm hesitant to work with him. I'm afraid this store won't make enough money for our living expenses.". I dare not let go.
Apart from economic factors, my husband's tendency towards domestic violence is also something I find difficult to accept. "From once or twice to hitting people whenever there's a fight, I've always thought about getting divorced. He wrote me a guarantee, and if he fights with me again, the property in his name will belong to me, leaving him alone.". "I've also thought about getting divorced, but now that we have children, I just hope he can raise them, and don't start with me in the future. He can maintain this family and provide a good growth environment for my son.". "My husband grew up in a family where his parents were not emotionally compatible, and I don't want my children to have a very bad childhood like him.".
In fact, he still cares about me very much. Although every quarrel is because he doesn't work hard to earn money to support the family, I also do something too impulsive and excessive, involving the parents of both families. I am very confused now. How should this marriage be managed?
Weiqing Marriage and Family Counselor:
Your husband's temper largely depends on the environment in which he grew up as a child. Your husband grew up in a family where his parents disagreed, so many behavioral habits and love values are negatively affected by their parents' subtle influence. Perhaps when your father-in-law was young, she quarrelled and often punched each other, which brought some of the "violent thinking" of managing a marriage to her husband.
In this situation, couples should especially establish a good communication model, calmly listen to each other's voices, express understanding, gratitude, and love, without blindly blaming. After all, the most fundamental thing that connects two people is affection, understanding, and mutual attachment. When couples with trauma from their original family get along, they should first strive to accept reality and forgive their parents; Build confidence, face the family with a mature mindset, bravely change yourself, adjust your mindset, and jointly build a happy home for your children.
