Post Date December, 03 2023
I am a 44 year old divorced woman. My ex husband gambled, drank poorly, didn't manage the house, didn't care about his children, had a senior professional title in a public institution, had a leisurely job, and high salary. However, he only received ten days of his own income, and I was responsible for everything else, including his food and housing expenses for the last twenty days of each month, his clothing, and his filial piety to his mother-in-law. My father-in-law is in a small town in a district or county, cunning and cunning. She intervenes in my family's affairs through remote control decisions all year round. Whether it's right or not, whether it's appropriate or not, my ex husband will resolutely implement it. Of course, the end is a mess, and I went to the end alone. This has been the case countless times for a long time. My mother-in-law has a high retirement salary, a house, and a shop. My two younger brothers also have a good family, both have houses and shops, and both work and do business. My mother-in-law always thinks that our family has something, and she tries every way to ask for money and things from our family (of course, it is necessary to show filial piety during the Chinese New Year). No matter whether my grandson helps our family or not, she only says in front of my ex husband all year round that this is not the case. Although I tried my best to maintain my nest, I divorced two years ago. He divided 80% of the property.
I graduated from university and studied architecture. I work in a district or county, where I not only do a good job but also earn money by helping people design, technical services, and document work. I am outgoing, capable, and slim, and I believe my appearance and clothing are good. My son is currently in college, well educated and capable.
Now I feel that the pain of divorce and family breakdown has subsided, and I have also shed the heavy workload and stopped working at work. My son is also old, and it's time to live a peaceful life for myself. However, I find it really difficult to remarry! I've played with a boyfriend in my entire life and got married. Just my ex husband, where can I find someone who suits me (besides the office or home)? What kind of person is the most suitable for me? Do you want to die alone? This question has disturbed my calm heart again. How can I adjust my mindset, requirements, and make my future years happy?
Teacher Li Zi, what do you think of me and my confusion?
Hello, after reading your letter, I have decided to write a long article about remarriage. Due to my busy work, I have rarely written replies exceeding 140 words.
You and I are contemporaries, both born in the 1970s. I think I can particularly appreciate your journey because our generation has the strongest sense of responsibility and the heaviest burden. We need to support the elderly, raise children, and strive for our own careers. From the beginning, we did not have the advantageous conditions of the post-80s and post-90s generations. Some people prepared jobs, prepared houses, worried about getting married, and looked after children after marriage. Everything needs to be done by ourselves. We live in an era where concepts are constantly advancing and information is constantly being fragmented. Under the impact of the new ideological trend of reform and opening up, the traditional education I received since childhood has become completely disoriented and at a loss. Step by step through pain, we have evolved into today's way of thinking, but the mundane and inherent perceptions within us often make us stand tall in our life choices.
When it comes to the problems you face, it's important to start with your first marriage. Your previous marriage was clearly a wrong one, but in our era, getting married was to have a suitable person who, like most people, would marry and have children. If you encounter people who are not good, you will face too much criticism and criticism when you want to divorce. The first question that every divorced person cares about is: "Whose fault is the two of them divorced? Who is the blame?" In the face of the Chinese people's habit of peeping into privacy and spreading gossip, most people choose to grit their teeth and endure it. For nothing else, they want to live in front of others and raise their heads. So, you have wasted your youth, sacrificed half of your life to prove that you are a happily married woman. From the depths of your heart, you still have a sense of frustration, which is one of the reasons why you still want to remarry, right?
At first, you persisted in an unhappy marriage for the sake of secular marriage, but now you have finally left the quagmire of marriage and found peace and tranquility in life. Why did you think about remarriage again? Is it necessary to have a stable marriage for happiness in life? Must someone always be with you? You live in a small county town, remarriage is very difficult, and you must be mentally prepared for this. Because in the domestic remarriage market, women have always been in a very passive position, which also includes some cognitive issues of women themselves. Women psychologically hope to find a man who is stronger than themselves in all aspects, while men can give money and benefits in exchange for the favor of young and beautiful girls as long as they like them. This is also the main reason why men are more popular in the remarriage market, so it is not enviable that men are more likely to remarry because they understand better how to exchange what they have for what they like.
If you really want to remarry, first of all, you need to abandon the habitual mentality of comparing yourself to your ex husband, and not have the worry of finding someone who is inferior. Happiness is your inner experience, and you have passed the age when you need to care about others' opinions and live for others. Secondly, you should not find a man with slightly better conditions and slightly older age. If you want to, you should find a man who is of the same age or slightly younger, but needs your help financially, and even takes care of your children. If you don't have the desire to serve old men or children, you still shouldn't consider remarriage. Finally, it is recommended that you relax your mindset and approach the future. If there is a suitable man, you can go on blind dates and socialize, but you should not socialize for the purpose of marriage. At your age, treating men and marriage as seasonings in life, rather than the main course, is the correct attitude towards life.
Of course, what I'm talking about is a high probability event, and sometimes miracles happen in life, depending on whether you have this luck or not.
