There have always been various problems in marriage. It is a well-known fact that divorce cases have been on the rise for many years, both domestically and internationally. Even couples who strive to maintain their marital status throughout their lives may be held accountable by the next generation: as parents, your marriage is hypocritical. You betrayed yourself and deceived us.
According to data, marriage researchers in several major cities in China conducted a survey on 601 couples. When asked, "Do you love your lover?" Only 11% of them answered without thinking, "Yes.
From a male perspective, what is the root cause of this worrying situation?
In some marriages and relationships, the emotions of young men begin to decline from the day they get married. He trembled nervously, showing anxiety and confusion, and therefore desperately wanted to escape reality. Someone will tell a young man who is about to become a groom that the fear before getting married is normal, and one should be mentally prepared and strive to overcome it.
Family and friends may give a vague explanation of their inner thoughts and activities that can lead to guilt, such as: "You are afraid of approaching women and taking on responsibilities." "You are unwilling to take on the burden of life." "You are unwilling to give up your personal freedom." "You are an immature expression.". Then they will comfort him and say, 'You will definitely overcome these fears and doubts, and you will gradually mature in the process of overcoming them.'.
The word 'fear' that leads to guilt is often used to explain men's resistance and negative emotions. It is like a banner or a call to battle, successfully inspiring men to bravely accept severe tests, overcome difficulties, and show their perseverance. He suppressed his secret and genuine emotional needs in this way.
From then on, when he tried to overcome the strong reactions caused by fear and resistance, he not only achieved nothing, but also left hidden dangers for the breakdown of his marriage relationship. When the marital relationship is on the brink of collapse and has actually reached an irreversible point, these suppressed resistance emotions will flood the floodgates of emotions.
Only then did he recall his past emotions and realize the true reason for his resistance at the time. However, before this, most of his energy was spent on suppressing, overcoming his dissatisfaction, and rationalizing it.
Just as he disregarded the call of his inner emotions on his wedding day, he continued to ignore his true emotions in order to maintain his marital relationship. When he feels upset, he will endure it and let it go. When he has no desire for sex, he may be panicked and begin to doubt whether his sexual function is normal, while striving to overcome his "lack of desire".
Sometimes after work, I don't want to go home, but in order to fulfill my husband's responsibility, I have to reluctantly go back, even if I feel unhappy, listless, and silent when I get home. During the day, even if he was unwilling, he had to call his wife from the office because he felt that she had this request.
On weekends, he has to cook, run errands, fix things, and then sit in front of the TV completely passively, striving to play the role of a competent husband and father. When he and his wife are socializing with other couples, he has to play the role of a hospitable host or a likeable guest, but in reality, he has no interest in it.
So, many of his actions were against his will, just to meet his need to overcome, negate, and embellish negative emotions, which inevitably made the marriage a heavy burden and ultimately led to its breakdown.
Only then did he allow his long suppressed anger to erupt. However, before this, he always tended to self hate, self deprecate, hate himself for not achieving the expected goals, cowardice and incompetence, or not getting along better with his wife as he imagined. Therefore, some self deprecating words, such as "you are a selfish person!" or "you don't know love at all!" and various accusations related to this, like iron nails, firmly nail him to the cross of marriage.
A man's inner resistance towards marriage is not childish or irresponsible, but rather a beneficial inner impulse. This is undoubtedly true for young people, and it is a great tragedy for men in our social life that they are urged to get married by their parents in their twenties - their emotions are far from fully developed, their youth is fleeting, their careers and thoughts are not adequately educated, and they have not obtained a reliable economic foothold.
Early marriage pressed the suppressed emotions and financial burden on his head, bound his hands and feet, and plunged him into a lifestyle that could only sustain himself, damaging his physical and mental health.
From the early psychological state of men, it seems that their marriage does not have a good foundation enough to provide them with great satisfaction. In fact, under the early psychological conditions of men, it is almost impossible to achieve a happy marriage. For boys, from an early age, they are required to have a spirit of initiative, creativity, challenge, struggle, and exploration.
Girls, on the other hand, can derive joy and lessons from games such as dolls and home games. Generally speaking, men rarely participate in such activities. Regardless of whether these early psychological differences between the sexes are good or bad, they reflect the actual state of male marital psychology.
To be precise, it is precisely because of these differences in psychological conditions between the sexes that men often feel powerless to play a mature role in marriage. He often works hard to adapt to the situation and achieve the peak goal, but it is far from the education he received in his early years. I have to change my inherent pace of life and force myself to become someone else. As a result, he always felt oppressed and plundered.
In the eyes of others, he has always been regarded as a standard man. People often hear women complain that they are the oppressed party in marriage, which is obviously not entirely correct. Undoubtedly, she is also bound by marital relationships, but men's hearts are more susceptible to trauma because they lack sufficient emotional preparation for marriage and are more likely to deny and suppress their personalities. While striving to maintain that marital relationship, he became increasingly distant from his true self.