Post Date December, 02 2023
My husband and I are college classmates. I am 34 years old and my husband is 33 years old. We have been in love since our sophomore year. We got married in 2005, gave birth in 2007, and our daughter is 4 years old. In the ten years since we met, we have experienced too much bitterness. My husband is the chief financial officer of a company. I work as an accountant in a company, and my work is stable and easy. I just changed a house with a value of more than 120 square meters and a million yuan, and my life is pretty good. However, due to work reasons, my husband has been working in other places. He only comes back at weekends. Sometimes he can't come back when he is busy. This situation has lasted for 1 and a half years. Just a few days after moving to the new house, my husband suddenly told me that he was cheating (he sent me a text message on the night of cheating and told me that the other party was a 26-year-old unmarried girl who had only known him for 2 months and lied to the other party that he was unmarried). He said that it was just an impulse. He didn't love that person. He hoped I would forgive him and give him a way home.
He said he was wrong and sorry for me, but this is not what I want. I don't understand why he said sorry. Is there only guilt for cheating? Thinking about our joint efforts, I understand and forgive his cheating and hope to start again. His current job is very suitable for him, and the treatment is also good, so I didn't ask him to resign and come back. In order to save his face in the company, he said to the girl that he was divorced, and I acquiesced. He made me believe that he would handle this matter well and would never deal with that girl. But now that girl doesn't give up on him, and she is a very stubborn person. She seems to like him very much. We are afraid that she will be upset when she knows the truth, and I think the girl is innocent. My husband is the wrong one. I shouldn't let that girl bear such pain, so I want to quit and help them, but he doesn't agree.
My husband's family, including his own, are superstitious. He found several different people to calculate for him. He himself also found a famous diviner who said that he would have peach blossoms in the next two years, but it would be better after 37. I also have some faith under his influence. I believe this is destined to be separated, but I can't bear to give up our marriage and family. I can also see that my husband really regrets the situation caused by his own fault.
In order to get together again after the age of 37, he said that he would let me wait for him for four years. During this period, we would not leave home after divorce. He would give all his property and savings to me and my children. Later, he would pay me half of his salary regularly every month, on the premise that he would be able to return to this home after four years. If the woman has to marry, he will marry and try to get divorced again. We will remarry in four years.
I am a person with higher education. I know it is wrong to do this, and I also know that everything can happen in four years. Besides, my husband's family has always wanted to have a grandson. If he remarries and has children, we will have no chance to get back together. Even if we get back together, there will be a great burden. I have become a "third party" in good faith. I am afraid, and I don't want to destroy other people's family. After this time, I have a new view of men and family. I am tired of it. I think I will never marry another person even after divorce. What's more, I have an innocent child. I can't afford to find him a father without blood relatives. This is the most reassuring thing for my husband.
I think if I get divorced, I can still take care of my children alone, even though I'm not as rich as I am now. Besides, I have the ability to do this, so I want to make my husband and his girlfriend happy and give up this marriage. But I still have a deep relationship with my husband, and I'm afraid of leaving. The baby will blame me when it grows up. It's me who pushed my father out of the house. I am really in contradiction now, hesitating between reason and emotion. Emotion is a double-sided sword, and raising people also hurts people. After this happened, my husband and I talked calmly and jokingly to help him find a way out. Now I'm also half joking and half serious about our divorce. Is there a psychological problem with me, or how can I be so "generous" after my husband cheated? Is there a problem with your husband's psychology? How can you think of the idea of divorce without leaving home? I haven't talked about this matter with anyone except my husband. I suddenly said it today. I feel relaxed and I hope I can get your advice. thank you!
Doctor of psychology analysis:
In this age of special temptations, the current separation of two places and the love beyond time and space will make you experience the baptism and test that other couples have never experienced. Although it used to be a good classmate, it is of course necessary to have sex soon after marriage. Especially for men, long-term separation without sexual satisfaction, disharmony in sexual life and the disappearance of sexual beauty will eventually lead to the transfer of love. The unbridled lust is the root of your marriage.
Recently, some scholars have analyzed the divorce caused by extramarital affairs and third party involvement in Shanghai. The results showed that more than 60% of the plaintiffs were women, and 51% of the men who divorced because of extramarital affairs had premarital sex.
The office romance made him lose his mind and rise to explore sexual life outside marriage. It is excusable for his cheating once in a while. But if a man is so crazy that he wants to reorganize his family and divorce you after cheating. That means they have feelings.
Men love because of sex, office romance, it is too difficult to get out of love easily. Or you may not want to leave at all.
For the family, for the children, and to retain the man you once loved. You have repeatedly lowered the bottom line that you can tolerate. Your forgiveness does not make the husband really reflect on his betrayal with practical actions, but allows him to deviate from morality more and more. It is undoubtedly a kind of indulgence to tolerate him. He will not thank you for this, and your weakness and compromise can only make him even stronger and indulge him on a path of no return. Therefore, more and more excessive demands are put forward. It is absurd to want to divorce without leaving home. His so-called hope that you will wait for him to remarry after 4 years should be completely out of selfishness and worry, for fear that the marriage after remarriage will not be secure and leave a way for him. It is also possible that he wants to have that woman and also wants to occupy you for a long time. This undoubtedly violates our country's marriage law and the husband and wife's duty of loyalty. You should refuse bravely, and don't let him take advantage of your kindness.
"Wait for ten thousand years soon, as long as there is love to respond, wait for a minute too long, if love is right after that"
Your waiting is only a slim hope, and it is meaningless to wait for his sentence four years later.
Try to ask: If there is love, how can he ask for divorce and remarry with you? If there is no love, what qualifications do you have to wait for him for 4 years? That poor salary can buy you four years of youth? He did not abide by the vows when he was married. Four years later, he could not abide by the present "vow". The infidelity in marriage is not only the difference between love and non-love, but also a matter of character. When your husband becomes your ex-husband and comes back again, with psychological trauma, can you accept a man who betrayed himself physically and mentally and trust him again?
If you love him, you should not give up marriage easily now. "When flowers bloom, they must be folded straight. Don't wait for empty branches without flowers". Let your husband make a choice between you two women immediately. If he resolutely chooses to divorce, it means that there is water in the relationship between this man and you. Don't wait and regret. If he is willing to stay, he should tell the other party what he really wants and break up immediately. I hope you can think rationally and carefully before deciding where to go. Good luck!
