Post Date April, 15 2023
Dear, we have been discussing why the original family can affect your intimate relationship. In fact, what we are discussing is the unresolved pain and issues. They can affect your sense of security in your relationship, and they can also promote your uneasiness everywhere, triggering your dissatisfaction and disputes in your relationship. At the same time, we often view our other half from the perspective of people in the original family:
If your family often makes you feel left behind, you often feel uneasy that the other person is abandoning you; If your family often speaks ill, it is difficult to believe that the other person will do what they say; If your family's frequent absence from home makes you feel lonely, you will often realize that the other person is making you feel lonely.
Why are you so terrible! Yes, this is the barrier that we need to cross in life. More than 90% of the other person in your eyes is an image created by you. The more you understand yourself, heal and reconcile with your inner and past hurts, the more adorable your partner becomes.
So people often ask me how to improve my sense of security, dear, or start by knowing yourself.
Let me tell you about cases in life.
Xiao Qing came to Taiwan from Malaysia to live for more than 20 years. During her college years, she met her husband and began to socialize. Shortly after graduation, she got married. Her husband always loved her and took care of her in the palm of her hand. She also always knew that her husband was very kind to her and met all her needs as much as possible. However, five years ago, her husband was sent to other counties and cities, and they became holiday couples. Her husband knew that leaving home would make Xiao Qing lonely, After returning, she always took her everywhere to play, but Xiaoqing's heart became increasingly empty and she began to pick on Mr. Ti unconsciously. However, she blamed herself for nothing but being unable to control herself.
After further exploration, she saw that in her childhood experience, there was a father who was always away from home. In addition to the large number of children at home, she always felt that she was an invisible child. In order to be seen, she tried to do many things, hoping to be seen when her father came home, but more often than not, she saw his back.
She had always had a subjective feeling of being abandoned in her heart, even though she knew that her father had always been there. However, when the husband has to leave home, the insecurity of being abandoned is aroused again, and the injury and anxiety can easily be converted into anger and dissatisfaction. Sometimes she feels that she is sneering or full of stinging language towards the husband, and even when the husband wants to take her out to make her happy, she stubbornly refuses to go.
Dear, do you sometimes have this inexplicable and uncomfortable emotion? This is likely due to your unease. To deepen the security of your relationship and strengthen your trust in each other, you can take the following steps:
1. Be aware of your injury:
Sometimes it is difficult for us to touch past injury experiences, but when the wound is lifted in a relationship, it can cause emotional pain. Even if you consciously understand that the other person has to, you cannot control your emotions and behaviors. At this point, you need to gently face up to the pain, and then let yourself feel emotional ups and downs in relationships, to consider and connect whether there are similar experiences in the past, and how does this experience make you feel? Is it hurt, sad, scared?
Open the pain to the other person:
We often find that partners who deeply connect with each other are often those who can deeply experience each other's pain and accept each other's pain. Of course, not everyone can do so. When we feel trust in a relationship, or try to trust a relationship, we can practice opening up our inner feelings to the other person, that is, letting the other person see the little boy/girl you are upset about, and letting them know the way you least want to be treated or promoted.
3. Healing response different from past:
When we open up to each other, sometimes we are likely to get the same reaction as in the past, that is, the other party criticizes their feelings like past family members, or denies your emotions, which makes you feel hurt and may make you retract into the original shell and refuse to open up to the other party. At this point, you need to be aware of your feelings and let the other party know that it is this reaction that causes you to get hurt, while inviting the other party to give a different response can be an emotional challenge and also a new learning experience for each other. Just like Xiaoqing needs to practice clarifying her own injury, which is not brought by her husband, and the husband can practice empathy to soothe Xiaoqing's injury, rather than falling into his own self blame.
4. Build your own sense of security first:
Don't expect someone to be responsible for your sense of security, and when you still have the idea that as long as you find your partner, my sense of insecurity will subside, your emotions will be difficult to stabilize, because what you are looking for is not another independent partner, but a clingy partner that lives with you, and often the two people often end up quarreling, splitting, and merging in troubled emotions. Therefore, the above steps need to help you repair your sense of security and take care of yourself.
"Some injuries cannot be taken care of by the other person, after all, not everyone has this capacity, and before doing so, you need to seek assistance on your own to find ways to heal yourself and establish a sense of security.". Not every partner has the ability to cope with pain, and this does not mean they are not good or qualified. However, when the nature of some injuries is too strong, professional intervention is indeed required to avoid relationships that worsen in your pain, and you are again disappointed in the relationship without support.
And dear, we are all worthy of being loved, and so is our other half. The establishment of a sense of security cannot be achieved by the existence of the other half, and we can all be our own sense of security, become a presence that soothes ourselves in pain, and become a presence that understands and supports others in pain. This kind of love can also be more sustainable.
