Post Date April, 15 2023
In some marriages and marriage relationships, the feelings of young men have gone downhill since the day of their marriage. He trembled nervously and showed anxiety and confusion, so he tried to escape from reality.
Some people will tell the young man who is going to be the groom that the fear before the wedding is normal. We should be prepared and try to overcome it. Family members and friends will make a vague explanation of his inner thoughts and activities, which is enough to lead to his guilt, such as: "You are afraid to approach women and assume obligations." "You are not willing to shoulder the burden of life." "You are not willing to give up your personal freedom." "You are immature.". Then they will comfort him and say that you will overcome these fears and doubts, and will slowly mature in the process of overcoming them.
The word "fear" that leads to guilt is often used to explain men's resistance and negative emotions. It is like a flag, or the call of battle, which successfully inspires men to bravely accept severe tests and overcome difficulties to show their fortitude. In this way, he suppressed his secret real emotional needs. From then on, when he tried to overcome the strong reaction caused by fear and resistance, he not only got nothing, but left a hidden danger for the breakdown of marriage. When the marriage relationship is on the verge of collapse, and in fact has reached an irreversible point, these repressed feelings of resistance will flood the floodgates of feelings. Only then did he recall his old feelings and realize the real reason for his resistance at that time. Before that, however, most of his energy was spent on suppressing, overcoming and rationalizing his dissatisfaction.
Just as he ignored the call of his inner feelings on the wedding day, he also continued to ignore his true feelings in order to maintain the marriage relationship. When he feels upset, he will endure it and let it go. When he has no desire for sex, he may be in a panic and begin to doubt whether his sexual function is normal, and at the same time try to overcome his "lack of desire". Sometimes I don't want to go home after work, but in order to do my husband's duty, I have to go back reluctantly, even when I get home, I feel unhappy, depressed and silent. During the day, even if he is unwilling, he should call his wife from the office because he feels that his wife has this requirement. At the weekend, he had to cook, run errands, repair, and then sit in front of the TV passively, trying to play a competent husband and father. When he and his wife are socializing with other couples, he has to play the role of hospitable host or attractive guest, but in fact he has no interest in it.
Therefore, many of his behaviors are against his will, just to meet his need to overcome, deny and decorate negative emotions, which inevitably makes marriage become a heavy burden, and finally breaks down. Only then did he let out his long-suppressed anger. However, before that, he always tended to self-hate, self-slander, hate that he did not achieve the expected goal, cowardly and incompetent, or did not get along better with his wife as he imagined. Therefore, some self-deprecating words, such as "You are a selfish guy!" or "You don't know love at all!" and various accusations in this regard, such as iron nails, firmly nailed him to the cross of marriage.
The inner resistance of a man starting from his new marriage is not childish and irresponsible, but a beneficial inner impulse. This is undoubtedly true for young people, and it is a great tragedy for men in our social life that men are urged to marry by their parents when they are in their twenties. His emotions are far from fully developed, his youth is spent in a hurry, his career and thoughts are not adequately educated, and he has not obtained a relatively reliable economic foothold. Early marriage put the oppressed emotion and financial burden on his head, bound his hands and feet, and made him fall into a lifestyle that could only survive, and his physical and mental health was damaged.
From the early psychological state of men, it seems that their marriage does not have a good foundation enough to make them get great satisfaction. In fact, under the early psychological conditions of men, it is almost impossible to achieve a happy marriage. For a boy, he is required to be enterprising, creative, challenging, struggling and exploring. Girls can get happiness and lessons from games such as dolls and family games. Generally speaking, men rarely participate in such activities. Whether the differences in these early psychological conditions between the sexes are good or bad, they reflect the actual situation of men's marriage psychology after all.
To be precise, it is precisely because of these differences in psychological conditions between the sexes that men often feel powerless to play a mature role in marriage. He often works hard to adapt to the situation and reach the peak, but it is far from his early education. We have to change our inherent pace of life and force ourselves to become another person. As a result, he always felt oppressed and plundered. In the eyes of others, he has always been regarded as a standard man. People often hear women complain that they are oppressed in marriage, which is obviously not completely correct. Undoubtedly, she is also bound by marriage, but men's hearts are more vulnerable to trauma, because men are not fully prepared for marriage emotionally, and are more likely to deny and suppress their own personality. While trying to maintain that kind of marriage relationship, he became increasingly estranged from his true self.
