Post Date December, 03 2023
At first glance, Wang Zhen, who has turned 43, is a typical male chauvinist. His wife has never denied this. Wang Zhen had a famous saying to his wife: "Just do a good job at home. Don't worry about men's affairs. Don't nag all day long." Of course, this is sometimes said to his wife when he is calm, but it is more often when two people speak ill of each other. Wang Zhen has a very good career: doctor; There is also the highest degree: doctor. In the past ten years, he has been divorced three times and is the father of two boys and one girl. Now, the fourth marriage - still lasting less than three years - is on the verge of disintegration. 'Wang Zhen was dragged by his wife to come to me for advice. In their view, marriage cannot continue, and it is still caused by Wang Zhen's chauvinism!
Wang Zhen is the deputy director of internal medicine in a famous hospital. He said that his male chauvinism is mainly manifested when there are contradictions between career and family, which often occur. So, the wife of "Beware" couldn't stand it. To make this problem more concrete, I asked Wang Zhen to give me a recent example in front of his wife and analyze it for him.
Last Sunday, because of an important research project to be concluded, Wang Zhen and several of his graduate students were working overtime - this is a very common thing for him. At about 8 o'clock, his wife called him and asked him, "Are you coming home for dinner tonight?" He replied, "Work overtime. I have already had dinner. I am busy." He was used to using this kind of telegram statement to his wife, and hung up immediately after saying that. Yes, he was really busy at that time. At 10 o'clock, his wife's phone rang again: "What time is it to go home?" Wang Zhen replied: "I'm busy! I'm waiting for an experiment result." Without allowing my wife to say more, she hung up again. Wang Zhen didn't lie. He was really waiting for the results of the experiment, but in the process of waiting, he was playing games on the computer After that, every half an hour, my wife called me, "like killing me". Until 3:00 in the morning, he came home in a huff and faced his wife who was also in a huff.
Wang Zhen asked me a question: "Dr. Li, if you encounter such a situation, what would you do?... I really don't know what is wrong with a man who comes home a few hours late under the current great pressure of work?!"
Such a question is not easy to answer positively, no matter how I do it, let alone in front of his wife. However, this question provides me with the opportunity to help them understand their own problems.
I asked, "Do you know Professor Zhou?" I know, of course he does. Living in the same city is the same major. Wang Zhen said that he was extremely impressed by Professor Zhou. I said that Professor Zhou and I are both good friends. I know that they have a very good relationship. They are very respectful.
"Professor Zhou's work must be similar to yours?" I asked politely. I accentuated the word "similar".
I found that Wang Zhen looked up at his wife with dissatisfaction. I seem to understand the implication in the eyes: it's all my wife's fault.
I said that Professor Zhou has a habit of calling his wife when he is free. This is a bit exaggerated, but during my contact with Professor Zhou, as long as it is not within 8 hours of work, Professor Zhou will call his wife first. For example, every time I eat, I take the initiative to "ask for leave".
"But I don't like men's way of doing this..." Wang Zhen probably thought it was inappropriate, and immediately said, "I don't have time, I'm busy!"
"Just now, didn't you say that while waiting for the results of the experiment, you can play games? - At that time, you can call your wife?"
Wang Zhen smiled awkwardly: "... mainly because he didn't have this consciousness. He always felt that there was no need."
I asked Wang Zhen's wife, "Do you think it is necessary?"
My wife didn't answer me and cried. Experience tells me that what this cry expresses is how much she cares about that phone! Between husband and wife, how necessary that telephone is!
Wang Zhen really wants to keep his marriage and change his current situation and handle the relationship between work and family. More importantly, Wang Zhen began to believe that psychological counseling could help him. He believes in me This creates conditions for exploring its deep psychological motivation.
Wang Zhen's parents are engaged in geological work. Shortly after his birth, his parents handed over the task of raising him to his grandparents living in the countryside because of their work until he graduated from primary school. Although his parents are not around, his parents have relatively rich income, which makes Wang Zhen's childhood happy and full of superiority. "It was a life like heaven. When I was dreaming, I often dreamed about my childhood friends and some interesting things." When I reached the age of middle school. After Wang Zhen returned to his parents with a local accent, all these things have changed greatly. His parents are very strict people. He has heard his mother say to his father many times that he must take time to discipline this "wild child"... His parents made a strict study plan and life plan for him: he must speak Mandarin, he must get up at 6:00 in the morning, he must make an appointment to go to his classmates' home, he must brush his teeth and wash his feet before going to bed... Wang Zhen began his urban life, This kind of life lasted until marriage.
"On the wedding day, I said to my wife, I don't have to be controlled by my parents anymore!" Wang Zhen said with a smile.
However, this kind of life without parental control is not as free as he thought. In many things - "of course, mainly trivial things" - he and his wife have conflicts. It was these conflicts that led to the dissolution of his three marriages.
There is no doubt that the way we deal with and deal with any problem will be affected by past experience, although the impact may be large or small. If we look back, we can see that the shadow of childhood will remain under the behavior of an adult, and whether this "shadow" can stand out and affect the behavior of adults depends to a large extent on whether it is hidden or suppressed. This is the idea provided by psychoanalysis to psychiatrists. Following this idea to explore, it can really make visitors understand "why he is so". As far as Wang Zhen is concerned, his life before junior high school is unrestrained. He can do whatever he likes. That is the paradise realm of the id. But all this stopped abruptly when he came to his parents and the city, and the big boy who could do whatever he wanted was suppressed. Before marriage, the parents' strict discipline and heavy learning tasks kept the big boy from showing up. After marriage, he broke away from his parents' discipline... "I can finally say it at home, I am the head of the family!" The suppressed big boy began to dominate his behavior.
In real life, it is not difficult to find that those male chauvinists are just those who have a strong sense of responsibility, although they discriminate against women and even have domestic violence. In my words, these people not only realize that they are "men", but also do it according to the traditional men (men in male chauvinism culture). On the contrary, there are many people who claim to be men but behave like "big boys". I have personally observed or heard such "big boys" in my life and in my counseling with the help of the wife of the visitor. They generally have the experience that their childhood happiness is suddenly interrupted. Their performance after marriage is as follows: at home, they are the "big shopkeeper", "the oil bottle falls and they don't help (get up)"; Playful children, such as neglecting their wives and children after falling in love with games. Think friends more important than wives; Stubborn and headstrong, the advice to his wife is not positive conflict but negative resistance or avoidance; Little talk in front of his wife and lack of deep communication... From the perspective of psychoanalysis, this kind of "big boy" subconsciously treats his wife as his parents, and the constraint of his wife will arouse his memories of being restrained by his parents in his early years.
Many men like Wang Zhen are successful in their careers, but their marriage life is a mess. Their understanding of marriage, emotion and women often stays in the young boy stage, unwilling to grow up. However, it is not easy to recognize women and men. The bookstore sells all kinds of books on the art of marriage and love everywhere. The foreigner also wrote a book named "Men from Mars, Women from Venus". These "big boys" should settle down and read.
