Post Date December, 03 2023
When I first met him, my marriage was in crisis. Because of some flaws in my husband's personality, our divorce war was in full swing, and I had to bear all the injuries one by one, just to get out of the failed marriage as soon as possible. We got to know each other by a chance job opportunity, and then left telephone numbers for each other in several contacts. I think we all have something to appreciate at the beginning, or how can we send a text message to greet each other after we have no contact at work?
It didn't take a long time from the beginning of dating to getting together. I was frustrated and wanted to find a comfort in his heart. He wanted to find a fresh feeling in me because his marriage was flat. Later, I used my heart a little bit. He and I are both. He once said that the deeper the contact, the better I feel and the more afraid of hurting me. We were so eager to love each other, and even considered whether we could really live together. But later they found that they couldn't do it at all. He couldn't give up his family, and my husband and I just separated. He didn't want to divorce me.
In this way, he fell into this love in a confused way. At first, it was sweet, and then it became bitter. I think all the fruitless love has come through in this way. When I really feel the pain and want to look back, I will find it very difficult! We met a few days before New Year's Day last year. We had a happy and sweet year together. I often asked for leave to go out with him for a whole day. No matter what you do, as long as you have him, you will feel meaningful.
In addition to holidays, I receive his calls every day. Sometimes he will be busy or inconvenient today. Most of them say he will come to see me immediately. I always wait quietly for his call and wait for his arrival. Because his wife is suspicious and sensitive, I try not to call him voluntarily. I thought we would love like this for a lifetime, but as time goes by, loneliness and loneliness come to my heart a little bit. This feeling is particularly obvious in every holiday. I always spend my holiday alone. I began to feel aggrieved and angry with him for these unfairness. Every time, he said reluctantly, not that he didn't want to give it to me, but that he couldn't give it to me.
While I was struggling, our feelings suffered a great deal, because we often sent him a text message late at night to tell me about our depression. His wife saw a text message that was not sent to comfort me in his mobile phone draft box. At that time, the Spring Festival was coming soon. He suddenly called me by public telephone and said that he would not answer any strange phone calls, including his mobile phone. Then he disappeared from my world. The only place I can find him is the mailbox we have been contacting. Numerous emails I sent to him fell into the sea.
The day before the holiday, he received a call from him again. He said that because of the message, his wife called out the call details. He knew that there was a woman beside him, and he could not come to me again now. I said painfully, go away, and never come to me after you leave. So I didn't go to the mailbox again for many days. I didn't want to go. I didn't have the courage. I was afraid to see him walk away from my world. Until Valentine's Day, I said to myself, no matter what, face it bravely. Then I saw the thoughts he wrote and the pain he wrote.
At that time, he and his wife spent the Spring Festival in her hometown, and her temper was so hot that he could hardly bear it. Every day, she kept her eyes open until late at night, and she quarreled and pestered until his father was admitted to hospital by accident. I saw hope and love again between his lines. I firmly said to him that I would wait for him to come back. I think our love is like Gesangmeiduo in Tibetan. The more we encounter wind and rain, the stronger we are, and the more beautiful we are. But the fact is that I have been in unspeakable pain and anxiety since the Spring Festival.
We still love each other, but this love is not the same as before. He has changed a lot. He doesn't come to see me as soon as he has time as before. He said that he can't let his wife know that we are still in touch, otherwise his career and family will disappear. I can't call him at the previous number. I can only use the public phone. I can't call him anymore. I can only wait for his call. This year, his career is much more mature than last year. He is very busy all day. It is easy to finish his work. It is time to go home again. If he goes back later, his wife's phone will come back. He dare not lie easily any more. He has to give up the time he gave me.
I often spend many days alone, without phone, SMS, email, and even more. Although he would reassure me no matter what he did, how could I not feel it at all? In the days without him, I was worried, upset, painful, sad, and always worried about whether he no longer loved me, or whether he let me go from his heart because his wife knew. When meeting, these doubts will be swept away again. The happiness around him drove away all the worries and all the anxieties. But as soon as I turned around, they all came back to me. It was really hard to live without him.
On my birthday this year, I thought he would spend a good day with me, but when we first got together, a contract that had not been signed finally came to light. He wanted to sign it immediately. When we parted, he said he would come to see me when he was finished. I waited until the afternoon to hear that he had gone home. At that moment, I was desperate and felt that I had become so light in his heart. I didn't listen to his apology and explanation. I didn't see him for more than half a month. The only thing I did was to check the mailbox every day to see if there was any email from him, and occasionally send him an email.
Day after day, I began to miss him again. When I answered his phone, I thought I would not meet him, but I promised. In this way, I made up my mind to leave and wanted to love him for a while. This feeling tortured me and made him very tired. Sometimes I just got better, felt that this love was promising, and some things made me burst into tears again. It was like that morning when he came to see me for a while, he almost called my name her. Although he said only one word, my heart turned gray. After he left, I was alone in the street, with tears and rain running down. I paid too much for this feeling, so I didn't give up on him. He used this feeling with sincerity, so I didn't give up on me.
For more than half a year, my marriage has changed a lot. Now my husband has changed a lot for me. I can feel that my husband really loves me and the family. If I can completely release him from my heart, I think my future marriage life will also be very happy. However, in the past year or so, it may have been too much emotion, but it is not easy to get it back. Every time it is half done! I hate that I understand everything, and can't make the right choice. I struggle in the pain all day, and my body and heart are going to become out of my own. I really need help to help me walk through this swamp.
(Intern editor: Cai Junyi)
