Post Date December, 03 2023
Because of study, work, and love, many lovers live in two places, even thousands of miles away, far away from the ocean, and perform long-distance love day after day. Most of them are forced to live apart by life and suffer from lovesickness, but more and more men and women choose to live apart voluntarily in order to stimulate a higher quality of emotional life when they get together. The study found that the security of personal attachment determines the quality of long-distance love, and people who lack security are easily mad if they can't get the "guarantee of love" from each other. Psychologists also pointed out that the idealized fantasy of long-distance lovers is a "double-edged sword", which can easily mislead lovers to make wrong choices at the beginning of love, but can help each other fight loneliness in a stable long-distance relationship. Although network communication is convenient for long-distance love, it is always the "king way" to meet real people.
Case:
Long-distance love finally achieved bad results
Li Xiao (not his real name), who was just over the age of 30, worked in Nanjing. In 2012, he met her sister, Xiaoyu, while playing online games. He felt that he was very congenial and had feelings. At the end of the year, he flew to Hunan to meet Xiaoyu. He did not mind that she had a marriage and children, and soon established a love relationship. At the end of April this year, Li Xiao bought a round-trip ticket for Xiaoyu to visit Nanjing, and specially brought his parents to Nanjing from his hometown in Zhejiang to see the "prospective daughter-in-law".
Unexpectedly, on the evening of May 1, Xiaoyu suddenly said that Li Xiao was "immature in mind and bad in temperament", which was inferior to her former boyfriend. He understood his girlfriend's meaning and had to agree to break up. Then he went to drink alone and kept thinking, "How can she treat me so well when I treat her so well?"
Finally, Li Xiaomeng got the idea of killing people, strangled Xiaoyu with a shoelace, and then cut her wrist to commit suicide, but failed, and faced legal sanctions.
Remote online love:
How to understand the real face of the other party?
Today, long-distance long-distance love is bound to rely on the Internet for maintenance. The products of technological progress such as QQ, WeChat, microblog, SMS, email, mobile phone provide convenient contact methods for long-distance lovers, but it is also easy to mislead people to make wrong choices. The lack of meeting means being divorced from reality. Both parties will fantasize about each other perfectly. The brief meeting is more magical. It makes people feel that they have found the "true love" in life. They think that talking on the phone and meeting on holiday are happy love.
However, Shawna Springer, a psychologist at the University of Florida, USA, pointed out that the sweetness of long-distance online love does not mean that two people will be happy to live together day and night for a long time, and suggested that they actively seek various information and understand each other from different perspectives, such as:
Get along with your lover's friends more, and then ask yourself: Do I like them? Am I willing to make friends with them?
Pay attention to how lovers talk about their former lovers and how they break up. Sometimes, if you take the initiative to inquire about each other's love history, you will find that their old love is not broken! Some people say that their former lovers are "abnormal". Do you understand? This means that they still have an unhealed emotional wound, or they can't bear the responsibility of love by blaming all their shortcomings on each other, and may relapse later - one day, you will also become what they call "abnormal".
You can find high-quality feelings on the Internet, but it is not reliable to rely on the Internet to fall in love for a long time. Springer suggested that before making a major decision about emotional development, we must "see the light" and have enough time to see the other party's performance in various situations, including their body language.
Forced long-distance love: people who lack sense of security are more painful
Many lovers and couples have to separate from each other sometimes, especially in times of economic downturn, more and more people want to go to other places to find jobs, which makes lovers play a "tale of two cities". According to American statistics, about one third of college students have long-distance love. Soldiers in service and employees stationed overseas are also separated from their spouses. Long-term lovesickness is always sad. Dr. Susan Whitburn, a psychology professor at the University of Massachusetts in the United States, said that geographical proximity is one of the key factors to maintain intimacy. Rita Watson, an American popular science writer and master of public health, believes that love is doomed to be difficult for lovers in long-distance love.
Although the network can meet the emotional needs of long-distance lovers to a certain extent, the virtual connection is not as good as the real person meeting. For example, in voice chat, both sides need to shout loudly to let each other understand their true meaning. Some men and women gradually only send short messages to communicate with each other, and even the number of phone calls is less, which means that the red light of the relationship has been lit up - short messages are not conducive to the exchange of ideas and feelings, and it is a sign of not being involved in feelings.
Virtual contact is not enough. Watson suggests that long-distance lovers should visit their relatives every two or three weeks. When real people meet, they can have physical contact with each other, see each other's face directly, read their inner world from each other's smile and silence when eating together, and sleep together at night, kiss, hug and whisper together.
The electronic communication mode is very convenient, and it naturally requires a timely response - if the other party does not reply to the message for three days, it will make you crazy, even irrational behavior. The study of Purdue University in the United States found that people who lack a sense of security in interpersonal attachment need their other half to be around them often and repeat that they still love themselves, otherwise it will be very painful. This kind of person is easy to feel insecure in long-distance love. Once they have problems with each other, especially if they can't get the "guarantee of love" from the other party, they will become very sensitive, appear anxious and depressed, and often lose temper with each other. On the whole, they are less satisfied with long-distance love than those with good sense of security.
Whitburn reminded that some ways of getting along with non-long-distance love are not suitable for long-distance love. For example, when you are together, revealing your small shortcomings will shorten the distance between each other, but doing so in long-distance love will reduce the idealization of lovers, that is, only thinking about the good of each other and ignoring the shortcomings. This unrealistic idea can help you spend your lonely time. Therefore, long-distance lovers should try not to criticize themselves, so as not to destroy their romantic feelings by excessive self exposure. It is not popular to gossip about other people's affairs, but it is good for long-distance love, because telling your faraway lover what happened next to you can make the other person think of your life, and shorten their psychological distance. Finally, contact as much as possible is the "king's way", even if you do not lack a sense of security.
Active long-distance love: mutual yearning and good romance
Living together is a sign of long-term development of emotional relationship. However, a few people choose long-distance love on their own initiative, that is, they live in their own homes, but maintain close relationships for a long time. At present, this trend is in the ascendant in the UK, Sweden and Canada. Why are they willing to give up the romantic experience of living with their lover? Samantha Joe, a doctoral student in the Department of Psychology at the University of Toronto, Canada, pointed out that long-distance love also has advantages——
When we fall in love, we will do all kinds of new and interesting things together, such as dressing up for a date, exploring strange neighborhoods in the city together, and trying each other's hobbies... With the passage of time, everything becomes routine, and each other will not try new things, and life becomes boring.
Long-distance separation can avoid the monotony of emotional life. We spend less time together, and the excitement will increase when we get together. We need to plan what we do together in advance. In the long run, it makes people feel happier. Living in two places will make lovers have unrealistic imagination about each other, usually thinking about the benefits - missing, missing, daydreaming, and feeling very romantic. Separation also avoids tying each other up. Naturally, men and women with harmonious feelings do not want to separate, but for those with ordinary feelings, cohabitation increases the difficulty of breaking up. They need to divide their property and find new accommodation
Of course, people are social animals. Having a fixed partner is a kind of happiness. Living together is also an investment in feelings. Samantha believes that there is no "right answer" to whether cohabitation is good or separation is good. It can only be said that each has its advantages and disadvantages, which depends on individual choice.
