Post Date December, 03 2023
First love, a hazy affection
That was more than 10 years ago, and now when I think of it, I feel like I've passed away.
My first love happened in junior high school. Yuyan and I are classmates, but we are in the same level and different classes. Now it sounds like first love, but in fact, it wasn't considered love at that time. At that time, I was young and didn't understand what love was. It was just a mutual affection, and I usually said a few more words.
At that time, there were no other communication tools and we didn't have any other hobbies, so we just wrote diaries and exchanged ideas with each other. Our two villages are only one kilometer apart, but we never meet at night. In the first few years, we didn't even touch each other. So compared to young men and women nowadays, it really didn't feel like they were in love at that time, just feeling like they had a good relationship.
After graduating from junior high school and taking the high school entrance exam, neither Yuyan nor I did very well in our studies and failed to pass the exam. That summer vacation, I went to Yuyan's house to play with her if I had nothing to do. Sitting at her house for a day, I didn't remember what I was talking about at that time. Anyway, there was something I couldn't finish talking about, and I really fell in love with her.
Later, Yuyan went to retake her studies and prepared to retake high school. And I often go to school to find her. A few months later, I went to attend a vocational school. She personally knitted a scarf and gave it to me as a farewell gift. I remember very well that scarf was woven with white wool thread, wrapped around my neck, feeling extremely warm.
Misunderstanding, love is disconnected
I went to technical secondary school and met another girl at school. I am not shirking my responsibility, but it was indeed that girl who liked me and actively pursued me at the time. Looking back now, it should be like this. Later on, I didn't know what was going on. Did I accidentally reveal it to her, or did some rumors spread to her ears? Finally, Swift also found out that I had another conversation at school. She was very sad, and coincidentally, the white scarf she gave me at that time disappeared, and I had a bad feeling at that time.
During the vacation, I went to see Swift, but she met me coldly and even used words to stimulate me. It's been too long, I can't remember the original words anymore. It roughly means that she already knew that I met another girl at school, and she let me choose. If I want to date that girl, she will quit. To be honest, if I were to say the weight of two girls in my heart, the balance of love still favors the Swift. I thought about it for a few days, and then I asked a girl (one of her good friends and I were also classmates) to come out with Swift tonight. That was our first date. I remember it was still very cold at that time, and the wheat in the countryside did not grow high. I stood face to face with Swift by the small river at the head of the village. The moon was very round that day, and the moonlight shone softly on her cheeks. It was beautiful, but her expression was cold. I explained to her, but she seemed even more disgusted.
Afterwards, we persevered for a period of time without hesitation. I said 'persist' because in the following six months, I also wrote letters to Yuyan, but I never received a reply from her. Later on, I realized that she had also replied to many letters to me, but those letters, as well as those written by others, were intercepted by the girl who liked me during the technical secondary school. As a result, I gradually lost contact with Swift.
Later, I didn't know if it was her opportunity or what she was avoiding, so Yuyan went to Zhengzhou, Henan and also attended a vocational school. Perhaps due to her lack of acclimatization, she has been ill since she arrived at school. Later, she told me that during that period, the weather in Zhengzhou had been gloomy and rainy all day, and for a whole month, her mood was very bad.
In her first two years of studying in Zhengzhou, I didn't visit her. Firstly, the distance was too far, my hometown was in Shandong, and secondly, the economic conditions were not enough. I was just a student and couldn't even afford to travel. Later, Yuyan told me that during those two years, she was alone in Zhengzhou and felt very lonely, painful, and oppressive. And in those two years, when she felt the worst, I never went to see her. After she went to Zhengzhou, she didn't tell me the address. Actually, I should have been able to inquire about her address at that time, but I didn't do it.
Looking back now, I don't remember what I was doing in those two years either. I can't remember at all now. According to her words, I was definitely accompanied for the past two years, so I never thought of her and forgot about her. Actually, when I think about it, it's not like that. Anyway, I'm confused and two years have passed in a blink of an eye.
Unfortunately, missing out on beautiful love
I was one year earlier than Yuyan. After graduating from technical secondary school, I started looking for her and inquired about her address. When I found out she was in Zhengzhou, I came over. At that time, Yuyan and her sister also came to Zhengzhou. In addition to studying, Yuyan and her sister opened a small shop together. Her sister told me that there is a boy in Zhengzhou who has been chasing her fiercely, regardless of everything.
How can I say that the boy's pursuit of the Swift is something I cannot do? He even used self harm to express his sincerity towards the Swift. I heard that he even went to the hospital several times due to taking sleeping pills. Yuyan and her sister are particularly annoyed with that boy, and relatively speaking, they are particularly kind to me. They hope that I can catch up with her sister and help me, but I didn't grasp it.
I am the kind of man who does not want to be difficult, and I am not as persistent in love as that boy. I seek to let everything go naturally. I remember one time I went to Zhengzhou to look for Yuyan. At that time, she was almost graduating and she came out of school. I took a walk and chatted with her near the school. At this moment, the boy took a taxi and happened to encounter him. Yuyan said to me in embarrassment, "He's celebrating his birthday today." I said, "Since that's the case, you can go." The feeling in her heart at that time was definitely not good, and although it was not good, I said the same. At that time, I felt like I was doing quite right and generous, but now I think about it, it's really foolish. Emotions are inherently selfish, and when it's time to fight, I should work hard and fight for every inch of land.
That day was the first time we met, and we politely gave each other a cigarette. Then I said, "You go, it's their birthday." Then the boy called a taxi, and Swift followed up. Watching the taxi disappear into the endless stream of traffic, I feel really uncomfortable in my heart. Years later, Swift told me that if I had said, 'Don't go, stay.' She said she wouldn't have gotten in the car, wouldn't have gone with that boy, and wouldn't have had any of the things that happened later. How many years later did I know these things? No matter how much I feel in my heart, everything will be too late.
After graduating from technical secondary school, I worked at our local police station for six months and felt particularly bored. At that time, I was young and always wanted to go out and explore, so I prepared to work in Guangdong. When I came out of my hometown, I first turned to Zhengzhou and met Swift. I told her I was going to work in the south. After listening, she remained silent for a moment and then suggested that we go to see a movie together. I seem to be very timid as a person. That time, the Swift took the initiative to hold my hand. Speaking of it, I'm not afraid of your jokes. It was the first time we've known each other for so many years that we held hands. It felt so sweet and happy, but the feeling was also very brief. At that time, Swift had already been engaged, and the other party was the boy who had been chasing her.
When I left Zhengzhou later, the Swift did not go to see me off. At the moment the train started, the feeling in my heart was indescribable, and the pain was like the rising tide of seawater drowning me. I know I've missed a beautiful love story.
Getting married and having a family together
During the days when I worked in Guangdong, Yuyan and I still maintained communication. One day six months later, I received a letter from her, in which she told me that she was married. At that moment, my heart was in great pain and tears welled up from my eyes. I am not someone who is not good at expressing myself, but in terms of emotions, I have always been the one who goes with the flow, not demanding or forcing. Since she is already married, it's too late to say anything.
After working in Guangdong for 8 months, I stopped working. When I passed by Zhengzhou, I met Yuyan's sister and she told me that her sister had always been in a bad mood. But she is already married, and I don't want to disturb others' marriages. That time, I didn't see Swift, so I went back to my hometown.
Later on, I started learning to do business and run transportation. Once, the driver fell ill and I drove him home. There was a small hospital next to his house. When I accompanied him to the hospital for treatment, I happened to meet the girl who used to help me date Yuyan. She studies medicine and works as a nurse there. We just had a few conversations, and then we met again several times. Swift is already married, and I also need a family. As I get older, my family is also urging me. That's how I started pursuing that girl. Three years later, we got married and our married life was trivial and happy. When she heard the good news of our marriage, Swift was surprised. She didn't expect me to end up with her good friend.
In the future, we are at a loss
After marriage, especially in recent years, Swift and I have been getting closer and interacting more frequently. I feel like I can't let go of her and our relationship anymore. Actually, even before I got married, I felt like I couldn't let go. At that time, although I had little contact with Swift, I would always think of her when I was free. But she's already married, I can't be a third party. So I comforted myself that after getting married, the happiness of marriage will dilute my longing for Swift. But I was wrong again. After getting married, I realized that this kind of emotion was something I couldn't part with, and the feeling of longing grew stronger and stronger.
Over the years, my business has grown and I have plenty of money and time. Whenever I have nothing to do, I go to Zhengzhou to see the Swift. Seeing her has become an indescribable desire for me. I can feel that the Swift has always been concerned about me. Every time I go, she looks very happy, and when I arrive in Zhengzhou, my mood also feels better. Every time we meet, we are in a caf é, where we have a meal, have tea, chat, talk about the past, and talk about the present. The time I spend with her always flies, and whenever I have to break up, I feel like I still have a lot to say.
Two years ago, just like traveling, we went out alone for two or three days, going out during the day and staying together at night. I also slept with her, but we never crossed the bottom line. A good friend of hers in Zhengzhou knew about our situation and once said to me, "I don't feel like you're like a man." I sometimes think about myself this way, but reason tells me that I can't do it that way. If I do, my relationship with Swift will become complicated. I don't want to lose Swift, nor do I want to destroy my family.
Previously, both Swift and I were very confident that we could forever maintain this relationship that was a little more than friendship and a little less than love. But recently, we all have an indescribable feeling in our hearts, feeling particularly oppressed, unsure of the direction of this relationship in the future. As soon as we talked about this topic, we couldn't continue and ultimately came to an end.
How to say it? I don't want to comment on whether Swift's marriage is good or not, but I know she can't bear to part with her family. And on my side, I love Swift and also my wife. I can't let anyone go.
We dare not imagine where we will develop between us, and where our two families will allow us to develop. Going on like this, to be honest, I am really tired. Even if I haven't crossed the last line, I still have someone else in my heart, which may not be tolerated by her husband and my wife.
We are afraid that one day we will have to face that uncontrollable situation. So our relationship has now reached a fork in the road, whether to move forward or backward, we are very confused and confused.
(Intern Editor: Cai Junyi)
