Post Date December, 03 2023
No two people have the same beliefs, values, and rules (BVR), so when two people get married, if the overlapping common beliefs and values are not enough, they will not enter the church. Perhaps a woman would say to the man who proposed, "I still need to think about it." After three months, the two of them got married, and both felt that they had enough common beliefs and values.
A person's BVR is constantly changing, and so are two married people. Their respective BVRs have changed, and the shared beliefs and values they generate have also changed. The question is, after ten years, will their shared beliefs and values increase or decrease?
Men and women who grew up in traditional Chinese culture often have the following phenomena:
(1) Traditionally, Chinese people attach great importance to harmony and often tolerate it for the sake of harmony. 'Tolerance' is not actually a solution, but just a delay in the arrival of conflicts. The result is like a broken apple; The skin looks good, but the flesh has all turned black. All the people involved live in pain. The reason for this is that as children, no one taught us how to face and handle conflicts.
(2) When children grow up, they often accept many beliefs from adults around them, and based on these beliefs, they shape an identity of "what they should be". In order to adhere to this virtual identity, these people will disregard their inner feelings and other possibilities of things and persist in the execution of some beliefs. A girl got married to a man because he had ambition, and ten years later, she broke up because he had more ambition - spending all her time on his career. This girl needs painful experience to learn that ambition is not the most important thing in her marriage, and the reason for this situation is that when she was young, her parents and adults constantly instilled in her that the most important thing for a man is ambition.
The lack of shared beliefs and values at the time of marriage does not necessarily determine the success of the marriage, and blind marriage also has a good outcome. The determining factor is whether the two can have a common direction in their respective BVR changes after marriage, thus developing sufficient common beliefs and values.
