My husband and I have been married for almost fifteen years, and our children are both twelve years old. But like many middle-aged men, he cheated.
Although I am in my late forties, I maintain myself very well. Many people think I am only thirty years old, and I have always been considered an elegant and intelligent beauty by others. I work as a middle-level supervisor in a 3000 person company, and my income is also good. My husband is a civil servant and has a lot of work and social interactions, but I have always trusted him very much. He has a good appearance and gives colleagues the impression of loyalty and honesty.
Last November, a woman called me and said she had been good with him for a long time. He lied to me that we had a bad relationship and had been separated for a long time. She met the woman online. He was afraid that the woman would make trouble and asked me to deceive her according to his words. He also concealed his true identity and was afraid that others would find work to make trouble. I saw that he was really afraid and expressed regret, so I forgave him. But I didn't believe him anymore. After the Spring Festival, I checked his mailbox and found that he still had a woman outside. I used his credit card to open Alipay for that woman to buy clothes. I found him again. He said that she was the niece of his hometown, and there was nothing. I called the woman, but she didn't admit it. He said it's all from the past, and he will definitely solve it for the sake of the child. I told him I didn't believe it, but gave him time to resolve it.
In April this year, before he went on a business trip, I found that he had another mobile phone. I took it out before he got on the plane and found that he had opened Alipay to that woman with his new mobile phone number (the first account was sealed by me). I completely collapsed, and he came back to say goodbye. At the end of May, I found out that he and the first woman were going to dinner and movies, and we had an appointment to go to that woman's place next week. We had a big argument. Unexpectedly, in early June, I found out that he had dinner with his second daughter, watched movies, and had a car shock. The child had a fever, so I called him twice and he didn't go home.
Now we are both in a cold war, and when he comes home, he says I'll check him, suffocating him. Every day when he comes home, he gets two phones and blatantly runs to the bathroom to send text messages. I asked him what he really wanted, and he said he didn't want a divorce, didn't want to spend time with women outside, but still met women outside. What should I do? I don't want a divorce, I want to salvage my marriage.
Ms. Zheng:
It is obviously irresponsible for your husband to cheat so much after the incident on the east window. It is clearly a disregard for marriage and family, and his infidelity is addictive. Otherwise, he would have restrained himself considering his reputation and family, but he is getting further and bolder.
Not wanting to divorce doesn't necessarily mean having love, because the high cost of divorce now can also affect his career. If he had love for you, he wouldn't have hurt you like this. If he had unintentionally hurt you before you discovered it, but had a high-profile affair after you discovered it, how could he explain it? And you are the one who goes out in the hall and out in the kitchen. Of course, he cannot bear to leave, he is too greedy and selfish. Marriage is for oneself, not a battlefield with a third or fourth child. Don't put yourself in it just because you're unwilling.
If he really doesn't want to leave you and doesn't want to leave, it's best for marriage and family counseling experts to come forward and solve your problems, mainly for your husband, because only he can decide his true return to the family. At present, the pain belongs to you alone, and he has not yet realized the impact this will have on you and this family. Someone needs to help him understand and be vigilant.