When facing the opposite sex, we often feel a little nervous and reserved. These nervous feelings and reserved behaviors are often the reason why we cannot successfully attract each other. In order to get along with the opposite sex (or even the same sex) more smoothly, we need to overcome the so-called tension, but have you ever thought about where these feelings come from?
A while ago, when I was taking a series of courses for boys, I played a small game to let everyone find out how I think of myself and how I think of myself being treated by others.
After the game, I asked someone: How did you feel just now? He said: I feel a little nervous and uncomfortable. I asked him why? He said: I think everyone is helping me score. I asked him: Why do you think others are helping you score? He said: Maybe... because I will help others score in my heart. I turned back and asked the other people: Is anyone helping him score? Everyone said with a dull face: clam? Not at all!
More often, we are misinterpreting others' ideas
It is a common situation to use your own thinking to assume that others are also the same. We often apply what we can do or what we can think to others and think that they are the same as us, so we always cannot correctly judge what others are thinking, just because we are thinking about ourselves. But is this really the case? More often than not, we are misinterpreting others' ideas.
Another student who participated in the game thought that others were laughing because he thought he was funny, but in fact, someone's mobile phone rang, and the other party felt embarrassed, so he wanted to hide it with a smile. The student told me that he felt that others might want to hurt him, but in fact, the situation was that the people under the stage saw him very nervous and kept thinking about how to help him.
When you have an idea in mind, you will interpret all the information as the basis to support your idea. You think others want to hurt you, so you will start looking for evidence that others hurt you; If you think others are looking at you, you will interpret every look of others as looking at you. But in fact, no one has such a mind at all. This way of interpretation will only make you feel more scared, and finally form a negative cycle of interpersonal relationships.
Dealing with the source of tension
What thoughts you hold in your heart is the source of tension, and tension is only a result. When we want to deal with a result that we are not satisfied with, we should first understand the cause of its formation, and then solve it, rather than ignore the result and pretend that it did not exist.
Some people think they are very comfortable when participating in the game, but others think he is nervous. Only he doesn't find it, and only he thinks he is not nervous at all. Maybe you can convince yourself that I am not nervous at all, but there is no practical help for you to get along with others. It can only be said that it is to cure the symptoms rather than the root cause.
The way to cure the root cause is to find out why I am nervous and what I am thinking now. There must be a reason for everything to happen. You won't feel nervous for no reason. What makes you nervous? Is it the eyes of others? Is it someone else's expression? Or other reasons?
Everyone knows that we should not have a sense of gain or loss, because it will make people nervous and unable to play normally. But how to overcome it? The most effective method I have found is the following three steps:
Step 1: Find out what you think
Only by finding out the real thoughts in your heart can you have the opportunity to explore where these thoughts come from, and also have the opportunity to unravel your past heart knot.
Step 2: Verify that this idea is not completely correct
Maybe you have some bad experiences, which will make you have deep-rooted thoughts. Whenever you encounter something, you will always think in a bad direction, but you must know that those experiences do not necessarily represent the way things always develop. For example, if you have been laughed at by others in the past, it doesn't mean that people always think you are fat, or maybe you are cute.
Step 3: Drop the idea
When you find that your idea is not completely correct, you can put it down because it is just a possibility. Put it down, and then put on new ideas, even without ideas.
Of course, things may not be so smooth, and there will be many bottlenecks in the process. You may think that I am not thinking about anything or that tension is tension. How do I know why? At this time, think about how I think of others and how I think of myself being treated by others. Maybe it can help you find the reason why you have been nervous, so that you can really solve your tension problem.