Post Date December, 03 2023
"We all live in this world looking forward to meeting a dear person and establishing a close relationship. Being with this dear person is like being swaddled back in my mother's arms. We are closely connected with that person and enjoying his warmth and breath.". With him, our own hearts are secure and secure. When we are with him, we can truly experience what kind of air "love" is.
However, our expectations often fail. When we are with the person we are looking forward to, we may feel sad, angry, helpless, and permanently separated in the middle of the sky. "This makes us uncomfortable. We ask Heaven and Earth to find out what happened between me and him and why things are like this. Is it so difficult to find someone in the world who can be close together?"?
Yes, it's difficult, because this relationship is a matter of two people, and when these two people meet, their hearts carry the ups and downs that they experienced during their growth process. Those storms, which threaten their own personality characteristics, are also full of the people and things that he grew up with. So, when these two people meet, it's actually two periods of history, two families meeting.
"When these two people meet, when they try to come together, their history and family beliefs come out and play a role in their relationship.". If you are lucky that both of these individuals have had experiences of being fully loved, recognized, and able to grow freely during their growth, they may have developed good adaptability. Therefore, in their relationship, it will be much easier to get along with each other, because they have sufficient security experiences inside as the foundation, which can help them to more tolerate each other's differences and trust each other's emotions in their relationship, So that they can establish a relatively stable relationship.
However, not everyone is so lucky. Many people who grow up with trauma will have various kinds of confusion when they establish relationships with others. Their confusion will lead them to get along with others and also bring various kinds of confusion to each other, which often unknowingly destroys their relationships.
One moment is a flame, another is an iceberg
In life, there are those people who, when they establish a close relationship with others, will quickly get on well with each other, and they can quickly create a hot scene where "you are the only one in the world that attracts me the most.". However, this state of rapid fever can often be maintained for a short period of time, and they often quickly discover that there is something on the other person that they cannot accept. When he discovers this, the aesthetic feeling of the other person can instantly disappear from his senses, and in his eyes, the other person suddenly becomes worthless. This rapidly changing emotion often makes the other person feel at a loss, leaving them unable to understand why they were living in the cloud yesterday when they were with him, and how could they have become a demon when they woke up this morning?
In fact, for these rapidly changing people, the perfection and ugliness of the other party have little to do with the parties involved. All these beauties and ugliness occur in the hearts of fickle people. When he treats the other person as an angel, it is not because the other person is really so good, but because the fickle person needs a perfect image inside, which can help him stay away from the weaknesses and imperfections in his heart. He projected this image onto the person he saw and found him in that person. When he found him, he felt like he had met an angel. Therefore, the person he met at that time became an idealized illusion in his heart. He needed this illusion to support his fragile narcissism, because when he was with this illusion, in his sense, he was with the angel, So he is also an angel like character.
However, this idealistic expectation often cannot last. The reality is cruel, and they often quickly discover that the angel around him used to lead a mortal life. This angel also needs to eat, drink, and urinate, and also burps and farts. "There is such a big gap between these mundane affairs and his expectations for angels, so he can hardly tolerate such imperfections in the person he is looking for. These imperfections will drag him from heaven to the ground. When he sees these imperfections, the angel in his heart will quickly become a demon.". He couldn't tolerate being with this demon, so his emotions suddenly changed from flaming to icy.
I love you, so I'm leaving you
We often read stories of "love at first sight" in some beautiful stories. The beauty lies in the fact that at first sight, the love has gone deep, but the person has disappeared. Perhaps it is because of the abrupt end of the story that the story stays at its best moment, which is why it is so attractive.
A story is actually a reproduction of life. In life, there are indeed some people who, when facing the person they love, love deeply and fear even more. When they feel that the person opposite them is becoming more and more important to them, their hearts will generate fear. Facing the person who is becoming increasingly important to them, their hearts will generate strong unease: Will he leave me? Does he really love me? The more important the other person is to him, the deeper his doubts will become. In order to avoid the important person abandoning him, he will first step away from the danger of being "left".
Because I love you, I'm afraid of losing you; Because I'm afraid of losing you, I need to leave you first. This pattern often causes great pain to the other party because the other party cannot understand why the person suddenly leaves as their relationship grows closer.
These people who escape intimacy often experience abandonment during their growth. Of course, this abandonment may not necessarily happen in reality, but in his heart as a child at the time, he would experience being abandoned by loved ones, such as being fostered, left alone in hospital, lost with his parents, or being picked up late in kindergarten, or having few games with his parents because they were busy at work. "Because for a child, he is completely dependent on the care of his parents to survive. When he needs them, their parents are not in his sight, which can bring strong fear to the child's heart. In his feelings, he can interpret the inability to see their parents as being abandoned by their parents, and the feeling of being abandoned can also be devastating for him.".
Therefore, when he enters a close relationship, the fear of being abandoned by the loved one he experienced in his early years is awakened again. When he cannot bear the fear of being abandoned, he chooses to leave the loved one first. In this way, on the sensory level, he can grasp the initiative of the relationship, thereby avoiding the pain of being abandoned.
