Post Date December, 03 2023
A long time ago, I chatted with a friend about how long it would take to be sad after a failed relationship before I could get out of the pain of lovelorn? He gave a very familiar answer: the time of lovelorn is half of your love time. That is to say, if you fall in love for a year, it will take you half a year to get out of the lovelorn shadow. I can't help sighing: Is this too long? For those who break up after 8 or 10 years of love, should it take 4 to 5 years to taste the pain of lovelorn love? If this is the case, then TA is too cruel to himself!
Just a few days ago, I saw a 13-year "If You Are the One", which involves the question of how long a relationship will last. A male guest said that he recovered within two hours after being lovelorn. Many female guests put out their lights after listening. Guest host Huang Han also felt that two hours was a little faster, Then he told me about his own experience: "Twenty years ago, when I was in love, I asked my boyfriend at that time: How long would you be sad if I left you? I really wanted him to say, 'I will remember you all my life, at least for a long time.' He thought for a while and said, 'At least for a week.' 'Ah, I have this weight in your heart?' He thought I was serious, and said, 'I think for a month'."
During the training course of psychological counselors, the teacher talked about some lovelorn cases. I remember a teacher once told a case: Mr. Wang, because he broke up with his girlfriend, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was listless all day, lay in bed all day long, couldn't even work well, felt miserable, felt that life was meaningless, and even wanted to die. The teacher asked on the platform: Is Mr. Wang abnormal? What is the problem? The answers of the students below are very different. Some answer "bad mood", some answer "depression", and some answer "suicide crisis intervention". But the teacher said, "Your answers are all wrong. To judge what the problem is, first look at how long he has been like this. Time is very important. If he just fell in love yesterday, isn't it normal? Have you guys ever fallen in love?" The teacher's words made everyone laugh. Yes, it is true of heartbroken people. What a great loss in life is the lost love and the departed lover. Isn't it worth our grief for a few days?
How long is it normal to be lovelorn? According to previous news reports, some enterprises in Shanghai have introduced new benefits for their lovelorn leave. If you are an employee of their company, you can have five days of lovelorn leave. The original purpose of the lovelorn leave is to make employees happier. I don't know how true this news is, but at least from the side, it can be seen that it is normal and allowed to feel sad for five days when you are in love. In the movie "33 Days of Broken Love", the heroine walked out of the pain of broken love and began to live a normal life for 33 days, which also seems to give us a reference about the sad period after broken love.
Yesterday, I also asked my boyfriend this question: How long will you be sad if I leave you? While the other party was thinking, I asked tentatively: "Two weeks?" He immediately replied: "Two weeks is a little inhuman!" I immediately understood that he was thinking about how to give a beautiful answer that meets the standard of "human". I asked again, "Two months?" He nodded and said, "Almost, but it's not that I will be fine once two months arrive, but there is a slow process. It's just that it won't be very sad at that time, and it will still be sad when I think of it one day." He asked me this question back: "How long will you be sad?" I replied jokingly, "If the front foot is separated from you, the back foot will find someone to fall in love." Then the two people discussed this question for a while, The conclusion is that this problem is very complex, everyone is different, and the same person has different deadline for each broken love. How about the feelings of the two people at that time? Are you very involved in this relationship? What happened in the middle? Is it first love? Is it active or passive?
If it is a very devoted first love, and the lovelorn is a sentimental person, he will be sad for a long time after the lovelorn. I asked some friends, and the answers they gave were mostly one to two years, but also three to four years. Sometimes the length of lovelorn time will be inversely proportional to the number of times of love. If you have more love experience, you will also know how to adjust your emotions when lovelorn, so the time of pain can be shortened. The difference between active breakup and passive breakup will also affect the sad deadline. Generally, people who have been broken up are always more painful and sad for a longer time, which involves feelings that are difficult to deal with, such as hurt self-esteem, reluctance, humiliation, self-doubt and negative self-evaluation. There are also those who break up not because of problems in the relationship itself, but because of parents' interference, external environment and other factors that lead to forced separation, and the sad period will be longer.
The recovery of brokenhearted love is a slow process. Most people will slowly get better every day. They have new love objects, new friends and new lives. Gradually, they think less of the past. Even if they think of the past love, that person will no longer suffer. However, some people's unfinished love affairs linger in a knot in their hearts, which is getting tighter and harder to open, and the pain of lovelorn becomes sharp and long.
I have received many letters from such heartbroken people. They often sink into the pain of lovelorn love, grope in the heartrending sorrow, and chew the sadness in their hearts day after day. Sad people delete the QQ number of the other party over and over again; Pick up the phone many times a day and press the other person's number, but hang up before dialing; Keep checking each other's Weibo, Douban, and WeChat friends' circle, and never miss each other's update to capture the meaning behind each text; They listened to bitter love songs one after another, and felt that every lyric was written for themselves; They were drunk, crying and talking to others about the love they wanted to talk to TA; They lost sleep in the middle of the night, shed tears, cried bitterly, and always clung to memories and refused to let go; They work hard, trying to fill the missing gap with work and forget everything in the past; They deliberately live each day better and stronger than before, in order to make the other party feel that it is a mistake to leave them... They have been lovelorn for more than 33 days, maybe two, three years, or longer, but the pain is still fresh, the thought of heart pain can not breathe, the mention of the past still cry, the pain seems to have no end
Does it sound sad and beautiful? People always prefer infatuated people. Yang Guo, who has waited for Xiao Longnu for 16 years, is an example of how many infatuated men and women complain in love. Jin Yuelin has been infatuated with a photo of Lin Huiyin for many years. I don't know how many women envy it. Compared with Liang Sicheng's marriage to students immediately after Lin Huiyin's death, people still prefer to write Su Shi, who has "ten years of life and death, not thinking, and unforgettable". His sincere feelings and deep memories of his dead wife are particularly touching. But what moved us spectators was Su Shi himself.
There was a girlfriend who took me and several other girlfriends out to eat and drink, go shopping crazily, and then go to sing K. She ordered sad love songs one after another, singing and crying, and we were comforting. Unexpectedly, after she finished singing, she said: Actually, I'm not so sad. It's just that there should always be a lovelorn look after being lovelorn. Only when you are lovelorn can you have an excuse to indulge yourself! It turns out that her infatuation and sadness are only a disguise, in order to conform to the "lovelorn appearance".
I once asked my boyfriend: "Liang Sicheng and Lin Huiyin have such a beautiful marriage, and Lin Huiyin is such a beautiful and talented woman, but when she died, her husband married someone else, isn't it cold and heartless?" He replied: "It depends on who is cold and heartless. It is better to be cold and heartless to the dead or to be cold and heartless to yourself?" If a star in the entertainment circle just broke up or divorced today, If you find someone to fall in love or marry tomorrow, you will most likely be described as "ruthless actor". It seems that it takes a long time to be sad before it can be morally justified. Those lovelorn people who heard that their EX left them and soon fell in love and married with others were always very uncomfortable. They felt that their feelings were despised. They didn't get enough respect, and even felt cheated and played with by the previous time. So they became even more painful and fell into misery. In their view, it seems that only by immersing themselves in the pain of lovelorn love and moving others, can they be regarded as respect for love, the other party and themselves, and can they meet the "lovelorn appearance" expected by society, and can they be regarded as a kind of love. But isn't it a greater punishment and injury to yourself to let yourself cling to the past, suffer in the attachment, and live as an infatuated person in the eyes of others?
Writing here, I suddenly remembered Ximen Qing in "Plum in the Golden Vase". Li Pinger, who lost his beloved son, was seriously ill. After Wen told Taoist Pan how to do it, he measured that Pinger was going to die, Say to Simon, "The officials must not go to the patient room tonight, for fear of disaster to you, be careful! Be careful!" "Close the door, and Simon Qing sits alone in the study, holding a candle, mourning in his heart, only breathing in his mouth, and thinking: 'The judge taught me to stay in the room, how can I bear it? I'd rather die, and have a word with him. "Li Pinger died soon. When Li Pinger died, Ximen Qing was really sad. A big man and a rich man, he was an official, but regardless of his family, he held Li Pinger's body and cried loudly. But interestingly, after he finished crying, he went to bed. But I have no doubt that Ximen Qing was really in love with Li Pinger. His true nature is fully demonstrated in this matter.
A long break in love may be a kind of respect for the other party (does this respect need to be), but it is definitely a cruel punishment for yourself; A short time of lovelorn love is to respect and cherish oneself. Which one do you want to choose?
