Post Date December, 03 2023
Not married or married? The writer Qian Zhongshu likened marriage to a "wall" in his book "Fortress Besieged". No matter standing inside or outside the wall, there will always be full of doubts and both sides are swinging.
The Ministry of Education of Taiwan recently conducted a survey on people over the age of 18 in Taiwan, and only 58% believed that "marriage is better than being single"; in other words, 40% of people no longer follow the stereotype, and no longer believe that marriage is happier according to traditional stereotypes.
Moreover, about "marriage is one of the most important things in life", only 67% of women agree, and 80% of men agree. It can be seen that women do not regard marriage as a necessary thing in life more than men.
Marriage has become the norm in many advanced countries. In the United States, in 1980, only 6% of middle-aged people over 35 did not marry; By 2000, the proportion had risen to 9%.
It is a fact that unmarried people are growing day by day, which cannot be ignored. A professor of social science at a university called for government departments and marriage counseling experts to pay attention to the mental health issues of unmarried people at the same time.
In addition to the stereotype of urging people to marry, the public should provide assistance to unmarried people in the overall environment, such as food, clothing, housing, transportation and entertainment, and should not ignore the emotional and psychological balance of single people.
Self-conscious unmarried people: life does not need "waiting for love"
Unmarried people can be roughly divided into two types: conscious and unconscious. Self-conscious unmarried people account for a minority, while the non-conscious unmarried people account for the majority.
Lan Xuan, a senior media person, belongs to the self-conscious unmarried group. Lan Xuan, who is very outstanding in appearance and figure, published "Yes, I'm Single" at the age of 40. She freely admitted that marriage is not one of her goals in life, and declared the benefits of being single. "The master of life is in her hands, really like her own master."
There are many people who have pursued Lan Xuan, but she is always lack of interest in the small love between men and women, especially the suspicions, expectations and temptations in the love process. Some people think it is fun, but she feels very annoying. "I have not had many serious contacts with the opposite sex, and I can count them with five fingers," she said. Every time an admirer expresses good feelings to her, she always puts on a cool attitude, In the past few relationships, she took the initiative to shout "card".
Lan Xuan, a Leo, is very excited about her pursuit of work achievements. In her early years, she set the goal of "becoming a female editor in chief". When she was in charge of the TV station, she had a young female subordinate who successively changed her boyfriend for several times, and her feelings were always uncertain. Even if her boyfriend had an affair, she kept saying "wait for him to turn back". Lan Xuan was very displeased and enlightened her face, "Why are women waiting for love?"
No matter whether there are men or not, many women are waiting, searching, and eager to be loved. It seems that the only goal in life is to put all their hopes on men, and often fail. It is really not worth it.
Unconscious unmarried people: become single unconsciously
Looking around, there are still a few social elites like Lan Xuan who have a clear position and hold high the banner of non-marriage. Most people become unmarried without knowing it. They do not reject marriage, but with the mentality of fighting and walking, they wait and waste, but never meet the right person.
Reason 1: I didn't meet the right person
Huang Mingjian, a famous writer, has observed some unmarried female friends who are over 40 years old around. When they ask her to help analyze their fate, they always ask "whether there is a possibility of marriage", and always have a longing for marriage. One day, Huang Mingjian met a female patient suffering from cancer in the park. The two talked, "I'm 50 years old, and I haven't married yet..." The tone of the other side was full of expectation, and still didn't give up the idea of marriage.
A 43-year-old female social worker who has drunk foreign ink and has a master's degree often has enthusiastic relatives and friends to introduce her. She never refuses to come. She has no less than 15 or 16 blind dates, but no one is suitable for marriage. She persevered and continued to wait for the fate of the person to appear, because she believed that "people with partners are healthier physically and mentally."
The same is true for many male singles. Their girlfriend has changed several terms, but they never meet the right person. But they didn't really give up the idea of marriage, thinking that it was just not the time. For them, non-marriage is like walking on a tightrope in the air, which makes people uneasy, hesitant and hesitant. They hope that the "Terminator" will appear soon. "They have been wandering on the dating website for three years, looking forward to the arrival of the two worlds, but have never found true love." A photographer over 45 years old confesses himself in a private blog.
Reason 2: Afraid of losing oneself and not daring to enter into marriage
The New York Times once reported that women were advised to "stand aside" if they met men who had been single and unmarried and were over 40 years old. Because these middle-aged single men are almost stereotyped, have a set of psychological defense mechanisms, suppress emotions, and most of them are very rigid in their own lifestyle, lack of flexibility, and difficult to change. For the partner who wants to live together with them, it is a big test, and there are often setbacks that can't be accessed. "Unless you are both mature and independent," the New York Times analyzed.
Dr. Janice Witzel, an American clinical psychiatrist, investigated a group of middle-aged men who were unmarried, and found that they had been intimate with at least one woman in the past, but all of them died. They are very worried that once they have a deeper relationship with others, they will lose their sense of autonomy and self-worth, which is equivalent to handing over the decision-making power of life to others. Although 26% have wanted to settle down, only 6% have proposed. Interestingly, two thirds of these single men believe that they will still enter the wedding hall in the future; However, Dr. Weitzer is not so optimistic. It is predicted that only one in six will get married successfully.
Use the "elimination method" to select the unmarried family
Some unmarried people use the "elimination method" because they are hesitant about marriage and dare not marry because they believe that happiness cannot be guaranteed.
According to a US survey, the happiness index of married white-collar women dropped from 74% to 68%; In Taiwan, only 40% of the surveyed women think marriage is happier than being single, and up to 60% of the women do not think marriage is better than being single.
If we do a simple survey of "why we get married", some people's answers are "meet the right person" and "because we love each other, we want to share a family". However, some people answered, "Explain to your family", "Explain to each other", "Because everyone is married", "You are too old to wait", and so on.
Xu Changde, a writer of both sexes, learned from his 16 years of deep experience in marriage that "marriage is beyond the reach of many people". He has repeatedly publicly criticized the marriage system as a "fast food set meal", and later generations followed the predecessors to draw gourds and dance with traditional values. "Having what you don't need is just reading from the book," Xu Changde said in his recent book "The Secret Notes of Middle-aged Men". Admittedly, Xu Changde, who was pushed along with the team and entered into marriage without knowing, made people more afraid of marriage by his bold anti-marriage remarks.
He deeply analyzed that finding a reliable object is the idea of many people entering into marriage. This "leak-proof life" mentality comes from dissatisfaction and insecurity, and then wants to find someone to rely on. He made no secret of his tiredness and lamentation about marriage, and hoped that time would turn back, and maybe one day he could become a "unmarried family" again.
Find a location and enjoy yourself
So, are the unmarried people standing outside the wall really happier? The answer is: not necessarily.
A professor who has been engaged in social research for a long time said that 80% of unmarried people are not happy, do not look at their situation with a relaxed and happy mood, and often feel isolated in spirit. Not getting married is not as free and romantic as described in Sex and the City. The days are full of changes and surprises. In fact, many people are alone staring at the TV or the wall, lamenting that the single world is both lonely and boring. "We must first recognize the truth, hold high expectations and fantasies, and will always be disappointed."
Psychologists pointed out that the most important thing for unmarried people is to "find the value of their own lives". Even if they do not need to attach to a partnership, they can enjoy themselves. How good life is, whether married or single, is just a state of life. What really determines happiness is not marriage or not, but the ease and satisfaction of a person's heart.
