Post Date December, 02 2023
Oral: Ke Minxin, female, 38
I have breast cancer
Before the examination, I occasionally felt a little stuffy in my chest. I felt a small lump on my left breast with my hand. But I didn't pay much attention to it, because I didn't go to the hospital for examination.
It was in 2003 that I really found out that I had breast cancer. When I was in the hospital that year, the doctor said that I should pay attention to it. Later, when the result came out, the hospital informed me to do further examination. I felt a bad feeling. In the hospital, I told the doctor that I had found a lump for a long time, but I haven't seen it. The doctor criticized me for not valuing my body.
Then there is the reexamination. When the reexamination results come out, I am not willing to take the diagnosis, and I think it will not be so serious. Again and again, I went to different hospitals for re-examination many times, and the results were the same.
No one can understand my mood at that time. When the facts are ironclad in front of me, my legs are soft and my brain is blank. I have always been in good health. I never expected to get such a disease, which is like a bolt from the blue for me.
When my colleagues knew that I had breast cancer, they looked at me sympathetically, which was what I couldn't stand. I asked for a period of leave. I need to think about what to do.
A dilemma
I still chose surgery
In fact, there is no other way, either conservative treatment or resection of the left breast. The advantage of conservative treatment is that it does not need to undergo the pain of excision surgery, nor does it lose the female curve, so it can be a complete female. The disadvantage is that we need to go to the hospital repeatedly and often receive treatment. If we do not control it well, the cancer cells will spread quickly. The first thing to face in breast resection is the physical disability, followed by the pain of surgery. However, compared with surgery, it is more beneficial to control the spread of cancer cells. If it is successful, it may be able to eliminate cancer cells in the body. As far as I am concerned, the cells have not spread further, and the possibility of successful surgery is very high.
What surprised me most was my husband's attitude. I thought I should be comforted when I got this disease, but he kept blaming me for not coming to the hospital in time when I found a lump. In fact, I regret it too, but what's the use of regret now? Facing his repeated complaints, I had to keep silent. When choosing the treatment plan, my husband stared at me as soon as he heard that he was going to have his breast removed: "Isn't it going to take a long time to stay in the hospital? Is it going to take a long time to recover?" In fact, I know my husband. These are not the main reasons. What he cares about most is whether I am a complete woman. My husband is a beautiful man. At that time, he was introduced to two girls. The other girl's family condition was actually better than me. He chose me because he liked me to be beautiful and better. It would be hard for him to live with a disabled body for the rest of his life. So I know that he would prefer me to choose conservative treatment. Anyway, after treatment, I won't die for a while. He can have a complete person to hold him.
But I can't just think so. My daughter was less than 4 years old at that time. Such a small child still needs parents to grow up with her. I can't imagine what she would do if I left one day. Don't worry about children. Life is so precious. Isn't it often said that living is better than dying?
Under such circumstances, I chose surgery after hesitation.
Promotion is imminent
He wants us to show our love
He was not happy because he didn't follow his husband's wishes. I clearly felt the change in his attitude.
After my operation, it was basically my parents who took care of me and sent me meals every day, and the children were taken by my mother-in-law. During the hospital stay after the surgery, my husband came to see me in a hurry every day, and then left without saying anything more.
I am not a quarrelsome person. I can only cry wrongfully when I see him like this. My mother-in-law comforted me that he had been busy competing for the job and was under great pressure. With my appearance, he might feel even worse.
After leaving hospital, he was even busier and often worked late. After a period of time, I heard that he was successful in the competition, but there was still a period of observation. Maybe it's because the promotion is imminent, and my husband's mood is getting better.
For a while, after dinner, he called me to take a walk in the yard and held me very considerate. Every time I meet an acquaintance, I will hear someone greet me warmly: "Ke, my wife is walking with you again. How lucky!"
But every time he came home, the smile on his face would disappear quickly, and then he would watch TV silently. I wanted to chat with him, but he also ignored me. Even when his daughter talked to him, he was very impatient.
I understand the reason, but he has reason to accuse me of being crazy every time. I knew that the moment was his critical moment, so I didn't argue with him. Even if I went out for a walk, I also showed my love to him very cooperatively.
Later, his attitude towards me became colder and colder. At last, he simply moved to my study on the pretext that it was too late to work overtime.
Unwilling to divorce
He doesn't hide his affair
Since my surgery, my husband and I have lived a real separation in less than half a year.
One night in the second half of 2004, my husband didn't return all night for the first time. Usually, although my husband came back late, I would not sleep until I heard him open the door every time. That night, I didn't wait for the sound of opening the door. Later, I simply sat in the living room and waited for him in a daze until dawn. After that, he didn't give me any explanation. I seemed to be a redundant person in his eyes.
After that, there were more and more times when my husband didn't go home, but he didn't explain to me once. Finally, one day I couldn't help but hinted at him with the child's rest, but he just glanced at me and didn't say a word. Everything was as usual.
Just because he doesn't communicate with me doesn't mean he doesn't want me to understand. A man who has not stayed at night for a long time knows what this means. He is not shy about it at all. He always smells of women's perfume and hotel accommodation invoices. Once, I also found two train tickets to other places.
People say that blunt knives kill people most. I think my heart is cut by such blunt knives.
Later, I mentioned a divorce with my husband. Such a day gave me the heart to die. Although I had surgery, I was still a woman and needed my husband's care, but my husband threw a handful of arsenic on my wound when I needed it most.
I don't mention divorce. When I mention divorce, my husband is even more reckless. He said he would not divorce me. If I didn't have the surgery and didn't get the disease, he might divorce me. Now I am like this, if he leaves me, he will be cursed.
But not getting divorced doesn't mean he has his heart back. After he showed his attitude, he stopped caring about my feelings. Sometimes when he receives a call at home, he will date someone in front of me. His mobile phone is on the table, and he doesn't hide from me those ambiguous messages he sent to others, even if he knows that I peeped, he won't delete them.
Compromise
I am physically and mentally injured for my family
I feel like I'm going crazy after such a day.
My husband has been living a free life for the past two years. Neither I nor I can manage it. Because he doesn't hide from me, it's not difficult to find out the third party. I also talked with that woman on the phone. She was very young, less than 30 years old, and divorced. She said that she and my husband are just a partnership. She never asked my husband to divorce me. She even sympathized with my situation. She said, "I won't destroy your marriage, but I don't think your husband will love you anymore because he is totally unwilling to face your current situation."
My husband didn't agree to divorce, so I didn't mention it again. On the one hand, it was for myself. I am almost 40 years old. On the surface, I still have a stable and happy family. Although my husband has an affair, I still have the family to give. Even after divorce, it is difficult to find another person who can accept me according to my current situation. On the other hand, it is for children. My daughter is still in primary school and needs a sound family. My relationship with my husband is not good, and my daughter has feelings, so she is always very good at home. And my parents are worried about my current health. If there is a divorce, it will make them feel even more uncomfortable.
In fact, I used to be a little fat, but now I'm only 90 pounds thin. I can't eat or sleep. I sometimes want to, forget it, just keep it this way, regardless of him. But I am a person after all. How can I feel nothing when my husband flirts with others in front of me?
I'm standing on the top of the mountain now. There are cliffs on both sides. I can't walk on either side, but I have to choose a way. Do you want to continue the marriage without emotion but only in form, or end the marriage in name only? This is more difficult to choose than the original treatment plan.
(Intern editor: Lai Jiaxing)
