Between friends, half a sentence is too much; Couples live together day and night, sharing life and death. There are many reasons for divorce in marriage. Apart from a few sexual disorders, the vast majority are due to personality incompatibility. Therefore, in order to prevent the fission of marriage, we should focus on the treatment of marital personality incompatibility.
Japanese marriage psychologist Yuzo Quan conducted a survey of the causes of marital disputes. The results showed that the order of the top three reasons proposed by the wife was: personality (irritability, capriciousness) - social attitude - the role in the family; The order of the top three reasons proposed by the husband is: personality (irritability, grumbling) - the role of the family - life attitude. Obviously, the key to causing marital disputes is personality factors, especially impatience. As for whether they can manage their homes, do housework, and have a value based attitude towards society and life, they are all ranked second or second.
Another Japanese marriage psychologist, Keiko, investigated those who filed for divorce in court because their spouses quarreled without forgiving each other, and found that the top three reasons proposed by their wives were: infidelity - physical and mental abuse - personality incompatibility; The top three reasons proposed by the husband are: incompatibility in personality - infidelity - discord with relatives.
To be fair, the reasons why couples are unfaithful to each other, why their wives are physically and mentally abused, and why their husbands are at odds with their relatives are complex, but most of them are related to personality incompatibility.
Some writers often say that character determines fate. In fact, why doesn't the relationship between husband and wife often be influenced by character?
Psychology believes that personality is a relatively stable and core psychological characteristic of a person's attitude and behavior towards reality. After a person has formed a certain personality characteristic, it is like wearing colored glasses, treating people and everything, all bearing the imprint of their characteristics.
For example, what an acute person does is hot and violent, while what a chronic person does is slow and slow. Character is gradually formed in the process of adapting and transforming the environment. It is the product of the interaction between people and the environment, as well as the product of individual socialization. Although personality has a certain degree of plasticity, it is quite slow and difficult to change it. Therefore, as the saying goes, mountains and rivers are easy to change, but temperament is difficult to change.
Therefore, it is difficult for couples with incompatible personalities to coexist peacefully and unconditionally for a long time, day and night.
However, on the other hand, we must also see that the so-called compatibility of personality, or whether one agrees or not, is not absolute. Character compatibility is relative. In real life, some young husbands and wives, when they were newly married, fell in love with each other like glue, but later they turned against each other and became emotionally incompatible, becoming enemies; "While other couples, when they get married, have incompatible personalities, sometimes uncomfortable personalities, and weak feelings. However, later on, their husbands sing" "wife and wife" ", and their wives walk with each other. It's not so hot.".
Marriage psychology believes that the so-called incompatibility between husband and wife is essentially a failure of one party to achieve the other's wishes. In the same way, the so-called "congenial personality" and "congenial affection" mean that both spouses can obtain satisfaction from each other. This mutual satisfaction includes both material and spiritual aspects, which can be achieved through hard work. Therefore, even when a couple's personality is incompatible and it feels like a spiritual torment to meet each other, it is better not to easily part ways.
Rather than standing idly by lamenting the incompatibility with the other person's personality, it is better to practice it personally and through subjective efforts, help each other to achieve family functions, bridge the gap, and get rid of difficulties.
How to get rid of the dilemma of marital personality incompatibility, and then bridge the gap between husband and wife? The best approach is to use heterogeneous integration. The heterogeneous integration of husband and wife's personality generally goes through three stages: accommodation, acceptance, and response.
Accommodation means that one party follows the other. Between husband and wife, there are various divisions, such as the division of interests such as salty on one side, light on the other, love of music on the other, and love of ball on the other; The lifestyle divide formed by occupations such as one as a teacher, one as a nurse, one as a bench worker, and one as a salesperson; One side is lively and active, the other is depressed and withdrawn, the other is irritable, and the other is calm. With a division, it is inevitable that they will become unaccustomed and not adapt to each other. Accommodation means tolerating each other, facing reality, accepting reality, identifying with each other's thoughts, and following their actions.
Acceptance is the habituation of accommodation. "If moving is a forced process of self-denial, compromise, and compromise, then acceptance is a forced release and a gradual conscious process.". After a long time of accommodation, I have become accustomed to it, not only not feeling reluctant, but also feeling compelled to do so.
For example, the Suzhou people who love to eat sweet food combined with the Sichuan people who love to eat spicy food, ranging from rejecting spicy food to tasting spicy food to eating spicy food, until later on, there was no need to eat spicy food. At this point, the Suzhou cuisine of this Suzhou native has assimilated into Sichuan cuisine. A friend of the author, his wife likes how to shout. According to him, when she called me when she was young, I had a headache; As an old man, his wife has been away from relatives, and he has been haunted all day. He seems to be missing something, something is wrong. Look, how thoroughly accepted!
Responding to one's heart means being handy. After acceptance, the husband and wife have fully adapted to each other's personality, temperament, habits, style, etc., become familiar with each other, cooperate with each other, and achieve a high degree of harmony.
Heterogeneous integration between couples with incompatible personalities must bear in mind:
First, heterogeneous integration from accommodation to response is a subtle process that takes a long time to achieve results, requiring long-term efforts from both sides;
Secondly, the foundation of the heterogeneous integration of husband and wife's personality is love. If both parties do not maintain love and strong family aspirations, everything will be idle talk;
Third, husband and wife are a community, sharing weal and woe, heterogeneous integration of personality, and there is no distinction between what is right and what is good and what is bad; Going to extremes is neither necessary nor meaningful.