Professor Huang Weiren from the School of Medicine at Northwestern University in the United States is known as the "Doctor of Love". He pointed out in his book "The Secret of Living in Love" that different genders have different understandings of marriage, which in turn leads to different levels of satisfaction towards marriage. Often, when a husband gives a score of 7 for marital satisfaction, the wife only gives a score of 2. This is called the "temperature difference" in marriage. People who are willing to maintain their marriage need to have an objective understanding of their current marital status. Measuring the temperature of their marriage is a good method
Just like a person's body temperature, the ideal marriage temperature should remain constant at around 37 degrees Celsius. Huang Weiren pointed out that such couples respect each other as guests, respect each other, love each other, and have laughter on weekdays. Although they may argue when they have different opinions, they always find ways to understand each other and resolve conflicts in a reasonable way.
Everyone hopes that love will be grand and intense, and if marriage continues to heat up like this, it is easy to have a "fever" and burn each other. Huang Weiren believes that some couples always confront each other forcefully. Both of them have strong opinions and say what they have, and when they argue, their emotions are even more intense and their voices are loud. When it comes to emotions, it is inevitable for people to speak angrily. If they do not explain and communicate in a timely manner afterwards, it can easily damage their partner's self-esteem.
Some wives are too clingy, treating their husbands as' private property 'and wishing to get stuck together every day, demanding control of each other's every move, keeping the temperature of marriage at a high point. This mentality of dependence precisely indicates the emptiness or immaturity of the wife's heart. They hope that the other party can unconditionally accept themselves anytime, anywhere, and put themselves in the first place. But in the adult world, using any form of coercion to meet one's psychological needs is not feasible.
And sometimes, the temperature of marriage can also drop to freezing point. In such a marriage, the couple will avoid conflicts for a long time, do not communicate when things go wrong, and the grudges in their hearts become deeper and deeper, ultimately becoming "ice like meeting". There is an old saying in China that goes, "Sorrow is greater than death of heart." Couples avoid conflicts because conflicts bring pain to both parties. But in the long run, it takes a lot of effort to heal marriage.
So, to maintain a perfect marriage temperature, learning and being good at communication are the most important. Huang Weiren believes that communication is to express one's own thoughts and learn about the other person's thoughts, rather than being negative or personal. For example, if a husband wants to go out for socializing and the wife is not very happy, she can complain and say, "You've been out a lot lately, we haven't had dinner together for a long time, and I'm very lonely." This is a complaint, and the wife honestly explained the troubles caused by her husband's going out.
But if the wife angrily says, 'You always do this, just worry about going out and playing.' then it becomes accusation. To change a partner's overly sticky state, on the one hand, it is important to truthfully tell them that they need independent space and social activities, and understanding partners can generally accept it. On the other hand, it is advisable to encourage them to cultivate their interests, hobbies, and social circles.
In addition, a study by John Gottman, a psychology professor at the University of Washington in the United States, found that men who help their wives wash dishes and express their emotions are happier in marriage and live longer. Although it is currently not possible to explain the reasons for this study more scientifically, one thing can be confirmed that as long as the husband can do so and speak boldly, it will be helpful for marriage.
What is your "marriage temperature"?
Do you want to know your "marriage temperature"? May I do the following test questions. This test was designed by Dr. Stanley, a psychologist at the University of Denver in the United States, and is widely recognized as the simplest and most effective "marriage thermometer". Please rate yourself based on the following 8 conditions after comparison.
1. A small dispute suddenly turned into a big argument, with each other fiercely cursing and uncovering old accounts.
2. My lover may overlook my opinions, feelings, and needs.
My words or actions are often perceived as malicious by my partner.
When there are problems that need to be solved, we seem to always take a hostile stance.
I cannot naturally tell my partner my true thoughts and feelings.
I often fantasize about what it would be like to have a different lover?
In a marital relationship, I feel very lonely.
When we argue, there is always one party who is unwilling to talk anymore and starts evading or leaving the scene.
The scoring standard is that if each question is' never 'or' rarely occurs', a score of 1 point will be given; 2 points for 'occasional occurrence'; 3 points for 'frequently occurring'. When you add up the scores of each question, if the total score is between 8-12 points, it indicates that your marriage temperature is constant and healthy. If the total score is between 13-17, your marriage needs to be vigilant. If the total score exceeds 18 points, it indicates that your marriage needs to be adjusted immediately.