Post Date April, 15 2023
I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and my son is also 8 years old. My relationship has always been good, and after giving birth to my son, my husband hopes to start his own business. Therefore, I borrowed tens of thousands of yuan from my mother as the starting fund for his business.
His career is getting better and better, just in the third year of his career growth - unintentionally, I broke the intimate scene between him and my closest friend!
That woman and I are sisters in the same boat, our best friend who has been with us ever since, and we have nothing to say. After my husband started his own company, I introduced her to work in his company. To my surprise, they betrayed me together!
When their ugly behavior was exposed to me naked, I immediately froze and turned around to gently close the door without saying anything. After I pretended to leave as if nothing had happened, my husband not only had no shame, but also angrily scolded me for not understanding the rules. Why didn't he knock on the door first when he entered, and confessed that he had fallen in love with my sister!
His words were so eloquent, and afterwards their relationship openly shifted from "underground" to "above ground". Whenever there were any business negotiations or social activities, he took her to attend, completely disregarding my feelings. That year, ashamed and angry, I brought my young son back to my mother's house and separated from him for 5 years, until January of this year
For five years, the wealthy husband did not pay any child support for his son. Until January this year, my husband suddenly called me and said that he had finally seen the other person's true face and planned to divorce her and live with me again, but only if I agreed to raise the daughter they gave birth to.
After more than 2000 days and nights in 5 years, I finally waited for my husband's return. The husband also admitted that he had destroyed this happy family on his own, sorry for me and also sorry for his son.
In the face of the lost and regained relationship, I can still accept him again, but I absolutely cannot accept the condition of raising their daughter. And now the matter is no longer between the two of them. My parents firmly oppose our reconciliation, and if we reconcile, they will resolutely sever their relationship with me.
To be honest, I really don't hate them. I hate myself because I chose to leave and gave them the opportunity and time to be together for 5 years. Now they are married and have a 3-year-old daughter. I really don't hate them at all, it's all my own fault
I still have feelings for my husband, and in order for my son to receive complete fatherly love, I also want to reconcile; But I really don't want to make the two elderly people angry. If I act against my parents' wishes, as a daughter, it would be too unfilial. What should I do?
Reply:
Endurance without a bottom line is not respected
What kind of emotion would a normal person feel when witnessing the scene between their husband and their best friend? I think any level of venting could be understood at that time. But she emphasized, "I really don't hate them at all, it's all my fault
It can be seen that in her personality, what is truly lacking is self-worth. There is no bottom line in everything, and confidence, self-love, and self-esteem are even more difficult to talk about, so she will not be respected by her husband and friends. The reason why disloyalty can cause great damage to relationships is that one party's disloyalty can make the other party doubt their own value and significance, fundamentally shaking a person's confidence and self-esteem in themselves. So, many pains can be resolved by the parties themselves, but betrayal is not enough, and the pain of betrayal can never be digested by oneself.
She thought that patience and magnanimity could solve the problem - not really. The lack of bottom line tolerance and magnanimity are often misunderstood as: not caring, indifferent, and sometimes even being bullied. This is a terrible misunderstanding for all those who endure the betrayal of one party in their marriage! In this misunderstanding, her forbearance and tolerance were repeatedly abused, and her sense of self-worth was repeatedly denied.
So, why does she deny her self-worth? All of this may also be related to her childhood growth experience, which led to her being cautious in speaking and doing things, never expressing her opinions, and always striving to be obedient and obedient. As she had long been accustomed to a life without herself, she naturally followed her husband's advice and obedience after marriage.
Her husband and good friend had an affair, and after a long spin, she casually said she was going back, but with conditions attached, and now she has completely lost her dignity. Because there was no bottom line set in the beginning, she betrayed herself while being betrayed by others. She couldn't bear her betrayal of herself, so now she is finally punishing herself
To put it bluntly, a person's negative experiences when they were young may lead to a lack of self-worth, making it difficult for them to believe that they are truly loved by others. Once life gets out of control, the confusion of lacking self-worth will double, believing that physical illness, depression, unemployment, divorce, and other setbacks are all one's own fault, and assuming oneself to be the initiator of the mistake. Like this confidant, they attribute their husband's infidelity and friends' betrayal to their own mistakes. This is a severely lacking aspect of her personality that she has never realized,
Due to the lack of a strong personality to control the pace of life, she cannot dominate the relationship between two people. Setting aside emotional factors, in fact, she may not be able to achieve the life she wants because she lacks the minimum bottom line. To put it bluntly, in the old society, she was too suitable for a polygamous lifestyle.
For her, being divided is not the most important thing, what matters is how she can grasp the pulse of her own life and become her own master. The so-called 'personality determines fate, intelligence determines happiness'.
The bottom line is a person's last line of defense and a principled strategy for interpersonal communication. A person who lacks a bottom line is unlikely to receive genuine respect and respect from others. The boundaries between individuals are determined through mutual exploration and adjustment, and there is no fixed relationship.
Marriage is the same. When you have retreated to the edge where everything can be forgiven, your partner may overlook your feelings and needs. When you feel that no matter how he treats you, you cannot bear to hurt him, he will indulge his selfishness without considering the consequences.
