Post Date December, 02 2023
In the past, I had a habit in long-term relationships called 'patience'. When I encountered people with different thoughts, I would choose to endure until they couldn't bear it, explode and break up, or to avoid things that couldn't be changed, I would reduce my contact and communication with them until they felt that they couldn't bear it, and then break up with me.
When I am patient, sometimes it's not consciously, but because I feel like 'saying something can't change anything. It's better not to say it.' When both parties have different ideas, but the other party is very persistent, I tend to think so.
It took me a long time to realize that I had a tendency to convince myself that these uncomfortable feelings were not important, and it took me some time to realize that these thoughts came from the treatment I received when I was a child. When I was young, when I had some needs, such as wanting my parents to accompany me, adults would tell me, 'Mom and Dad are busy, you need to understand them.' So I thought: People who cannot empathize with their parents are bad children. Their reasons are very legitimate, and if I cannot cooperate, it is my problem because what they say is very reasonable and cannot be changed. Therefore, I will no longer express such emotions, thinking that I need to find a way to handle it myself.
This idea has been brought into intimate relationships since I grew up. As long as the other party gives me a reason that sounds reasonable, I will force myself to accept it, because people who cannot accept reasonable reasons are immature, thoughtless, and thoughtless. But the uncomfortable feelings will not disappear due to how reasonable this reason is, but I must find a way to ignore them. I started to view most of my emotions as my own problems because I believed that even if I mentioned them, they wouldn't be taken seriously, just like when I was a child.
We can't really let go of it
So I gave up expressing and striving for a relationship that I felt was more comfortable with, and I believe that's what makes me a mature adult. But the way I don't express myself only makes the relationship worse because the other party always thinks I don't care about anything, and the relationship between the two becomes increasingly rigid due to countless unspoken issues. Discontent continues to accumulate until one party can no longer tolerate it, and the relationship is declared over.
Perhaps many people, like me, tend to feel like their own problem when things happen. Knowing how to review oneself is very valuable, but sometimes, before we review ourselves, we can spend some time clarifying the proportion of responsibility for problems, and not all things are not good for us. If we generate certain emotions, it means that we still have a response to certain stimuli, which is undeniable. Before we can truly let go, what we can do is communicate with each other and coordinate a mutually acceptable approach, rather than blindly believing that we can handle everything well.
In the past, we may have had some experiences of failed struggles. We may have tried to fight for and express what we wanted, but failed to achieve the results we wanted. Over time, we may have internalized the thoughts of "my feelings are not important," "no one will value what I want," "things won't change," etc. into a belief, so that even the thought and courage to try have disappeared.
No longer as helpless as in childhood
But thinking in this way does not help us in the relationship we want. At best, it only allows us to stop making demands and not be rejected again. What we truly want is not to be rejected no longer, but to receive the treatment we want. Since our goal is to If we receive the treatment we want, then we should not be afraid to try to communicate, because only by trying to make demands can we achieve our goals. We may have failed in the past, but that doesn't mean that everyone will not face our needs. The past situation is different from the present, and we are also different. We have more abilities than before to achieve our desired goals, rather than being like children without them Help.
When we try to put forward our own needs, perhaps the other party may not agree at the beginning and there may be a lot of friction. At this point, we may choose to compromise again because we do not want to conflict, but this will not change anything. We must repeatedly emphasize our feelings and needs, and ask the other party to assist us in discussing a mutually agreed solution. Only then can we truly solve the difficulties in your relationship, make the relationship better, and believe that you are important and that someone will be willing to work hard for your feelings.
